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Anonymous writes:

Hi,
I am having a lot of trouble forgiving my ex-boyfriend…i was wondering if maybe you had any advice on how i can do this…i know that i need to. I just get so upset and angry every time i think about it though. I was with him for a year and 1/2. He was not really nice but i had myself convinced that he didn’t really mean the things that he said or did. He was always telling me that i wasn’t good enough, and giving me big lists of all the things that i needed to improve on…he told me i needed to lose weight all the time…even though everyone else said i was to skinny (I am a recovering anorexic) he cheated on me multiple times. I know i shouldn’t have but i slept with him…i was to scared to say no…i didn’t want him to be angry and leave me…but then a while later he made me do more that i didn’t want to do and from then on he just raped me whenever i would say no…i don’t even know how many times he raped me anymore…i ended up pregnant but i had a miscarrige…he never knew…he was so angry another time when i thought i might have been that i didn’t dare tell him when i actually was….i was so stupid to have stayed with him so long….so i guess its kinda my fault that this all happened…its been a over a year now almost two and i guess i should be over…but its still in my head a lot…i have dreams about it sometimes…i just don’t know what to do or how to feel am really confused…maybe its me that needs the forgiveness and not him…i don’t know….any advice would be appreciated….sorry this is so long…

Beloved by Him replies:

Dearest sister,

You have been victimized in some of the most devastating ways possible by your ex-boyfriend. He tore you down both emotionally and physically so that he could control you. But you do not have to remain under his control: Forgiveness is for you, so that you can be free from this bondage once and for all. Forgiveness, healing, restoration, hope, and comfort can all be found in Jesus Christ, the Word of God.

We are here to tell you, from the absolute truth of God’s word, that you are completely loved, accepted, and cherished in God’s eyes. Nothing that has ever happened to you could ever change how the Lord sees you. You are His wonderful creation, His beloved daughter, the apple of His eye (Ps. 139:13-13, Eph. 2:10, Ps. 17:8, Eph. 1:6). No one and nothing can ever, ever change that. God only sees His children as the righteousness of Christ Jesus, totally justified and sanctified by His death on the cross (Rom. 3:24, 5:1,21, Eph. 1:3-4, Heb. 10:10,14, I Pet. 2:24). The terrible things that have happened to you were not His will for you, but He will, in the same grace and power that raised Jesus from the dead, use this for good in your life (Rom. 8:28). Jesus will never abandon you to suffer at the hand of sin—His light will come bursting forth, defeating the forces of the enemy and bringing you His justice and righteousness, and you will not ever be ashamed, even when you see Him face to face (Ps. 18:2, 34:5, 37:39, John 14:18, 27, Rom. 8:31-39, II Tim. 4:18).

The trauma of rape is so painful, and so difficult to process, that you cannot go through this alone. You have been very brave to come forward here and start seeking help, but we must stress the absolute importance and necessity that you seek out one-on-one Christian counseling with a professional who is experienced in dealing with dating violence. You need help to walk through the healing process, so that you can truly go from victim to victor. A Christian professional counselor will be a wonderful resource for you, a safe place, so that you can begin to allow the Lord to rebuild what was so wrongly taken from you. This is going to take time, and we truly hope and pray that you will have the faith to step out once more and trust that the Lord will lead you to the right place where He will provide help.

As you are seeking the Lord’s guidance and preparing to take that step into one-on-one counseling, please also consider what other resources you may have available to you. From what you’ve written, it seems that you might not have any family support to turn to. We are very concerned that you do not isolate yourself, because you need to know that you are not alone, and that there are many others out there who have experienced the same things as you, and they are either in the healing process, or have been healed and want to provide help. There are support groups that can provide understanding, affirmation, and encouragement from those who have also been victimized. These groups should not be a substitute for individual counseling, but should be a supplement to it. Some of the places you may find help are:

Hope for Healing–  http://www.hopeforhealing.org/teen_dating_violence.html
Christian Survivors Ministries– http://www.christiansurvivors.com/index.html
National Center for Victims of Crime– http://www.ncvc.org/tvp/main.aspx?dbID=dash_Home
TN Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence– http://www.tnblue.org/onlineresources.cfm
The National Women’s Health Information Center– http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence/
RAINN– http://www.rainn.org/

Not all of these organizations are Christian, but we are trusting that the Lord will bring the right people into your life to help you. We strongly recommend and believe that if at all possible, you need to be in a Christ-centered environment for your counseling. It’s vital that you are receiving godly help from those who are grounded in the Word, because that will always be your everlasting foundation (I Cor. 3:11).

Beloved sister, please believe in God’s love for you enough to take the first steps to love yourself and get the help and support you need. We love you, and are here to tell you that there is nothing that can separate you from the love of Christ Jesus. He will be faithful to complete the good work He began in you, and will use for good what the enemy intended for evil. You truly will be more than a conqueror through Him, because greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world, and your faith in Christ will give you the victory (Gen. 50:20, Rom. 8:37-39, Phil. 1:6, I John 4:4, 5:4).

Please let me pray for you:

Heavenly Father, Dear Jesus our Savior, Dear Holy Spirit,
Thank You, Lord, for my sister whom You created for Your good purpose, because she would bring joy to Your heart. Lord, I ask now that You would intervene strongly on her behalf, bringing the right people into her path that can help her in this time, by speaking Your word and Your comfort into her heart and spirit. Lord Jesus, I pray that You would give her the peace that passes understanding as she has to face the things that have hurt her, and that You would hold her up by Your generous Spirit, so that she would know complete comfort and healing. I pray, Holy Spirit, that You would pour out Your love and hope into her heart, so that she would be able to rest in that love, and that she would know that her life in you is more valuable than she can imagine. I ask, Lord, that You show her that You will use this for good in her life and the lives of others, that once she is healed, she will be able to help others heal also. Thank You for Your perfect faithfulness to us, that You love us more than we can comprehend, and that You will never leave us or forsake us, because Your Spirit has sealed Your salvation into our hearts until we see You in person. Thank You for Your grace, mercy, and love, Lord God. We love You. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.

Please keep your eyes and your heart fixed on Jesus, because He is the One Who will help you. Thank you for coming to WeUsed2bu during this time, and please let us know how you are doing. “But we are bound to give thanks to God always for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God from the beginning chose you for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth.” (II Thess. 3:13) I know that the Lord’s hand is on your life; let Him lead you to the green pastures and still waters He has prepared for you (Ps. 23:2-3).

Much love, sister,
Beloved by Him