Baby Mama Drama
Anonymous:
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. We are both Christians and recently made the decision to be obedient to God and to keep in His word daily. I love the fact that we are growing together and encouraging each other when times get tough.
My boyfriend has a three year old son that we pick-up on the weekends and I love him to death. When it’s us three we have a great time together. The only thing is I feel that my boyfriend is trying to keep me away from his son’s family. He doesn’t like to tell me when he talks to his son’s mother and seems to make calls over there secretly to keep me from finding out.
I want him to be a good father and to be in his sons life as much as possible but I have had a bad first impression of his son’s mother in the beginning of our relationship because she tried to break us up and would tell me lies about them getting back together to chase me away. There isn’t any contact between his mother and I now but I feel like I am left out of the family, I know I can’t take his mothers place but sometimes I feel like a stranger when it comes down to what is going on.
My boyfriend says he wants to marry me and we both agree we need to draw closer to God first but I’m not sure I can be married to him if he can’t include me in his life with his son. I don’t know if I should just back off because I shouldn’t have a say on what’s going on or if I’m entitled to have some say. My boyfriend says I’m a good mother to his son but when it comes down to any decision making he makes me feel that I need to keep my mouth shut. I just know if I’m going to be his wife I don’t want to feel the way I do now. What do I do?
Response:
Surrendering your life daily to God is the best choice you can make… If you will read the bible daily, you will see that your mind and your desires will be renewed. Reading the Word and doing what the Word says is the secret to living a successful Christian life.
Now for the baby mama drama…
I know you said that she has done hurtful things in the past, so you probably don’t trust her. I understand completely. It also doesn’t help that he seems to be sneaking to talk to her even though it’s probably innocent. He might think that it bothers you that he talks to her. It’s important that he knows that you are secure with your relationship and you trust him. That way he won’t feel like he has to hide. He is always going to have a relationship with her no matter what. Accept it for what it is and start praying about the whole situation if you are going to even think about marrying him.
The bottom line is the one you have to trust is your man. For any relationship to function properly, there has to be trust. You have to trust your boyfriend loves you and is working daily to become the godly man that God wants Him to be. If you are confident in your relationship, it would not matter to you if he talks to his ex, because you know that he is your man and you trust him.
You have to pray about these feelings of insecurity and ask God to give you peace about the situation. If you love the child, then you will pursue peace in this situation for his sake. Don’t hold grudges against the ex. Let it go. Forgive her for the past mistakes she’s made. We’re all human and are subject to error. Have mercy on her and try to see things her way also. Pray for her. If you do this you will see that your feelings towards her will begin to change.
Matthew 5:44-48 says “But I say, love your enemies, Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”
It may be best that you do not have contact with the ex for now. She may or may not want to have to interaction with you. In the event that you do have to interact with her, be patient and remember that you represent Christ. Always pursue peace!!
You are spending time with their child and she may have her guard up for several different reasons. She can be thinking any or all of the following: 1) Is she going to try to take my place. 2) What if my son calls her mommy. 3) What if she tries to take his dad away. 4) Will he still love and care for my son the way he does now when he gets married and has children with her.
There is a lot that could be going on in her mind. Not to mention that she may still have not gotten over the relationship with your boyfriend, the father of her child. The baby is only three. That is isn’t a very long time. So be patient and merciful.
Are you entitled to have some say? To the baby mama no. To your boyfriend, you should lovingly give him your advice and suggestions regarding the child. It is best not to make him feel caught in the middle between you and his ex. You may have to learn to step back sometimes and leave it between them.
My husband has two children from his previous marriage. I try not to get involved between his ex-wife and him. When I do talk to his ex-wife, I am very patient and I keep it very simple. They make decisions for their children and I support my husband. I don’t always agree; however, I do not over step my boundaries with her or him regarding his children. When his children visit us, they abide by our rules because this is our house. I love them and care for them just like they were my own.
After praying about this whole situation, you need to go to your boyfriend and let him know that it bothers you that he seems to feel that he needs to hide from you when he’s talking to his son’s mom. Reassure him that you trust him and that he does not need to sneak around.
Then leave it in God’s hands. Don’t worry and stress out about it. Remember that our Lord works everything out for our good. So let Him.
I will be praying for all of you.
God bless Sister,
hey i know what your going thro i need advice simlar to that i have a boyfriend we been dating for 3 months he has 2 kids never married 23 i am only 19 so is his baby mama the babies are 2 and 1 boy and girl ..lately seems as tho he feels uncomfortable around both of us so she often trys to keep me and her apart …i love him we are engaged..my family aint so crazy about the idea but yea.. the day he broke up with her is the day me and him met…conqincidental i dunno but ..we been dating 3 months and she has been jealous for the most part trying to break us up well now she has a b.f and her baby daddy my b.f is all on alert about the new guy he doesnt know and i am worried that maybe he does have alot of feelings for her if every time she comes around he trys to hide me..when she knows we are engaged and together i met his whole family so when it comes to her b.c they dated for 5 years he feels like its akward to see us in the same room i pray all the time what should i do ???? email me please baby_gurl_dancer_89@yahoo.com i need to know
-mandy-
I can understand why your family isn’t too happy about this relationship moving so fast. Three months is hardly enough time to determine that you want to be with someone for the rest of your life. Especially with someone who just recently got out of a five year relationship with two kids.
This is a very delicate situation that you have involved yourself in. Your fiancé is still recovering from a broken heart and failed dreams from a relationship that produced two children. If he is acting the way that you say then it seems to me that he most certainly still has feelings for the mother of his children. Of course he would because it’s only been three months. How could he possibly give your relationship the commitment it needs when she still has part of his heart and mind?
He’s focus really should be his children now. Not trying to get into another relationship on the rebound. You don’t need anyone’s sloppy seconds. That is what your relationship will be, sloppy. He’s trying to figure out what he really wants and what the right thing is to do. You don’t want to find yourself on the sidelines hoping that he isn’t still in love with her. Hoping that one day he will be completely yours. Do you want to have to compete for your future husband’s heart?
You have to do what’s best for you right now. Pray and really ask God if this is what He wants for your life. I believe that He has something better for you, but you have to be patient and wait. If you will begin to seek God’s will for your life He will give you the desires of your heart, because as you begin to seek Him your desires start to line up with God’s will. He has good gifts to give you. He has a good man in store for you. I’m sorry to say but I really do not think this man is for you. His heart still belongs to another.
My suggestion would be to leave this young man alone. Give him time and space to see if this is really what he wants. More importantly give your self space to pray and seriously seek God’s face about this. I would not want to see you hurt.
I will be praying for all of you,
God bless you
long, long story short. I've been married for over ten years now, together we have four children a one son from his ex-girl. my step-son his 12 1/2 yrs old. for years there have been many situations where his ex has tryied to make life with me & my husband hell, But the most damageing is what she has done to her own son. She tells her son lies about me his father and his half brothers and sisters, so when ever he comes over he would give problems. I hold back a lot of feelings inside and try my very best to be loving towards him but its so hard at times. I have a lot on my plate (we all do) and my husband is just as drained I am. Most time he pretends that everything is fine, but when ever it comes down to the weekend you could see the fustration in his spirt. when will it ever end.
I am sooo upset. As a matter of fact, I stay in a complete state of fustration when ever his son comes to stay for the weekend, There always some horrible after math that follows his stay. the baby mama calls tries despratetly wanting to speak to me (out the side of her face) but i will never allow this, I simply let my boy friend handle her with all her false accusations. This is BAD very bad! I know ! for years now I have taken my fill of all the crap. but the fact remains she will allways be around. Sometimes I really feel like my boyfriend could do more to shut her down but , I guess his is doing the best he can. I just wish she would respect me and mines, I allways maintain my composure but I cant help but to feel that ONE fine day I’m going to give her a piece of my mine. Enough is enough. Somebody please pray for me!
Everyday family life is difficult as it is and having family drama outside of the home can make it overwhelming.
I know having step children is difficult at times, especially when the other parent is difficult to deal with. I know someone that’s going through a similar situation and I hear the frustration and despair in her voice sometimes.
I think you’re making a wise choice by handing the phone over to your husband. Considering he and she had the child, it is their responsibility to raise him together. Another words, any issues, events, etc. that involve their son should be discussed between the two of them, not you. I’m not saying that you don’t matter in this situation but you have to remember that the boy’s child care is their responsibility and the final say comes from them.
Being supportive and loving with your husband and your step son is very important, and I applaud you for doing so. Your husband might have an uphill battle with the child’s mother and he should have the reassurance that you are there for him AND his son, regardless of circumstance. It’s also vital that the child know that you love him and are there for him as well. Having parents argue is a harsh reality. If you show and tell him unconditional love, it will make things less pain staking. Let him know that he isn’t just a “step child.” He is just as important in your household as someone that’s there full-time.
In the long run, all this back and forth will affect HIM. He is old enough to see things for himself and draw his own conclusions. It might not be something you see right now but he’s analyzing the situations just as much as you, your husband and the ex are. The only difference is that the 3 of you are ADULTS and he, being a child, will process everything differently. There’s a good possibility that he’ll see the arguments and the complaints as a form of rejection, especially since he only visits on the weekends. This can widen a gap in their relationship.
I know it’s difficult and you feel like you’re on the verge of exploding but stay firm. Pray for the mother… that she and your husband begin communicating on friendly terms. Pray for your step son… that he isn’t affected by these adult problems and sees that he is loved. And pray for yourself… for patience and a continuously open heart.
Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Matthew 5:43-44
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.
Stay strong. I will be praying for you.
Ok so..here goes…My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years. Not being obedient, we had a daughter, now shes 7 mos. However, now we broke up for about one month, and he had a fling with another woman and she got pregnant as well. Our daughters are 6 weeks apart.
I love him a lot, however, even though we were officially not together, I feel betrayed. Not to mention the conviction I feel for not keepin my temple holy. Any who..He’s a great father two both girls, and is really considerate of my feelings about the situation, He constantly apologizes. He’s saved, and I forgive him..but why do i feel so insecure? I believe he is my husband, however, I don’t want to deal wit’ the baby mama drama.
I feel like I have a choice, take care of me and my daughter, or stick it out with my potential husband. I’ve prayed, and prayed and prayed…I don’t know what God wants me to do…what do you guys think?
This is a tough situation to be in. I’m sure that you are struggling with so many different emotions. The insecurity is most probably coming from the fact that all though you feel like he’s your husband the actual commitment and covenant (promise) has not been made before God yet. I think that there is reason for concern. Your concerns and insecurities will remain there until the day that you both commit to holy matrimony. Even then you will have to pray and ask God to help you both heal from your past experiences before the marriage.
Many people do not realize that marriage is so special. When you make that covenant before God it makes you want to fight for the sake of your family. It gives you a sense of security in your relationship especially when you know that you have married the man that God has for you. Marriage is hard work but when you sow into your marriage seeds of love and determination you reap a wonderful harvest of blessings. These blessings are only bestowed on those couples who have determined to commit their relationship to God by marrying.
If he’s saved and you know that your body is the temple of God, then I am assuming that you both are going to church. If not then that is the first place you both need to be. Going to church will give you both an environment where you can grow in your faith and have accountability, brothers and sisters in the Lord that will help in your walk with God. Besides going to church I hope that you are reading the bible daily so that your faith, trust, and love for the Lord will grow. Reading the Word gives us wisdom, direction, correction, comfort, and confirmation. It prepares us for every good work that God has for us. It is your manual for living life more abundantly.
Prayerfully consider rededicating your life to the Lord.
Go to your boyfriend and discuss with him openly and honestly your concerns and see where he stands on the marriage issue. You may consider seeking godly counsel together for your relationship. My husband and I enjoy talking to our pastor together. We appreciate and value his advice and counsel.
Regarding the baby mama drama.. well..that is something that you both will have to pray about. You have not said what exactly you’re going through with the baby mama, but I suggest that you allow him to deal with her. I know that it may cause you feelings of jealousy or insecurity but she is the mother of his child. For the sake of the child you must pursue peace at all times. Don’t resent the child because the baby did not have a say as to when and to whom she was born. Both babies are here now and deserve to be cherished and treated with love. Ask God to give you a loving heart towards the child and an understanding heart towards the mother. I am sure this is not easy for her either. What woman plans on getting pregnant and then having the man that got her pregnant go back to the woman he loves. That must be hard too.
There is nothing you can do to change what has happened. So there is no point in using negative emotions to deal with the situation. Jealousy, anger, wrath, arguing and fighting will not produce anything positive for any of you. Forgive all parties involved and move on from here trusting God to help you forgive daily and heal from the pain.
It is time to stop doing things your own way and allow God to make all of your crooked paths straight. You have to trust in Him with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. I promise that if you will seek Him with all of your heart that you will find Him and your life will be changed. You are a mother now and one day you will be a wife. If you want to be successful at both of these you will need God’s help and guidance. Humble yourself before Him and He will lift you back up. He does have a wonderful plan for your life. Plans to give you a future and a hope, but first you must submit your life to Him and His plan. Then He will give you the desires of your heart. You can never imagine the goods that He has planned for your family.
Go and seek Him and you will find healing…
God bless you sister.
Come back any time we are here for you..
Love,
Trophy of Grace
Hey! I wrote a message on your blog yesterday and i was stressin’ out real bad. I came upon your website by accident actually, and decided to give it a try. The advice I got was outstanding, and was sooooo on point. I needed advice from an impartial person. I appreciate you taking out time to reply to my concern.
You don’t know how blessed I was by your honest, and biblical response. i thought it would at least be a few weeks before you even read my post…WOW!!!
Well, Lisa, I’ll definitely be back..hopefully, with less drama next time ;-)
Be Blessed,
R.H.
Thanks..Glory be to God that you received the help and counsel you needed. That was by no means an accident. Our Lord meant you to come here and find help.
You can come back anytime you want and with whatever drama you want and we will always be ready to help without judgement. We will always try to respond within 24 hours.
We are off on Sundays..
God bless you sister…Keep me posted on your progress..
I have a similar situation. I just moved in with my man that I have been dating for a year but have known for 14 yrs and he has a 3 yr old little girl. He and his babymama are still cool because of the child but I think he is still very much in love with her. They text each other all hours of the night on almost a daily basis. He says in the text messages that he will always love her and she says the same to him. I just hope that he LOVES her because she is his childs mother…and is IN LOVE with me because he wants to build a future with me. He tells me over and over that she is the past and I am his future and that he loves me, but his actions (via text message) make me think and feel otherwise! Should I just keep my cool and not sweat the small stuff or should I address him about how I feel?????
Sleepless in LB
Dear Sleepless,
I really do not think that you should ignore the feelings that you are having that are prompting you to question what is very obvious. You are finding text messages that clearly say that your boyfriend loves another woman. She is not just another woman though. She is his child’s mother. This is serious. It seems to me that if they are talking all hours of the night and then saying how much they still love each and always will that there is something still between them.
You should most certainly address it with him, although I’m not sure that there is really that much to discuss. You have seen the text messages with your own eyes. It would be hard to deny. I suggest that you just remove yourself completely from the situation. I believe that his heart does not belong to you. I am not sure that it ever has or will.
For your good and to avoid additional heartache, move on. Ask the Lord to help you have the strength and courage you need to allow Him to move you out of this situation. You see, if you will only learn to really trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding, then start acknowledging Him in everything that you do He will direct your path. He has a better relationship planned for you. You don’t have to settle for someone who is probably still on the rebound. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I know that what I am saying seems tough, but don’t you want a relationship with someone who you know has eyes for only you? This man says he will ALWAYS (that’s forever and ever) love her. You don’t want to have to compete with someone’s baby’s mama, especially so soon. The baby is only three years old. Be wise sister..the warnings signs are there. The Lord will not let you be deceived. He will always lead us into all truth. It’s up to you see it.
Sister, don’t allow your heart or emotions to lead you. Allow God to be your Guide. I will be praying for you to have eyes to see His direction clearly. You are not alone..He has helped many others through situations like this.
You are in my prayers..
Sincerely,
Trophy of Grace
P.S.
Here are some scriptures I hope will encourage your heart as you trust in Him.
Psalm 32:8 “I [the Lord] will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.”
Isaiah 30:21 “And your ears will hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it, when you turn to the right hand and when you turn to the left.”
James 1:5-6 “If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.
Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind.”