My parents divorced when I was nine years old. After my mom re-married - a year later - my life began to spiral out of control. My “vision” became blurred (spiritually speaking) and my dreams were shattered. Consequently, as a young teen, I was easily swayed to follow the crowd with sexual promiscuity, alcohol, terrible language, pot, and eventually cocaine.

Although I opened a successful business while still a teenager, and my life “appeared” to be great, deep inside I was hurting. I hated my life and secretly contemplated suicide for many years. The outward appearance of my home life “seemed” like a very normal middle class “blended” family; yet, in the spiritual realm, sin abounded and demonic activity filled our environment. I was born with the gift of discernment (although I didn’t know what this was at the time) and so I could hear, see, and feel the evil spirits as they haunted me, challenging my sanity. From ninth through twelfth grade, my mind secretly raced with “spooky” thoughts. I often wondered if I was schizophrenic. I’m not. But, that’s the depth of my irrational thinking at this point in my life.

Then, at eighteen, I was living with a boyfriend. I knew deep in my heart that I probably wouldn’t marry him; yet, I loved him and needed him to love me back. It was a codependent relationship. Plus, I justified my decision to live with him because my step-father frightened me by climbing in the bed with me, making perverted gestures, whenever my mom left for work. He never touched me, because I R-A-N; but, had I been a little more naive… it would have been a really ugly scene. I felt safe with this boyfriend. Even though we were living a life of sin that involved alcohol, drugs, and premarital sex, at least I didn’t have to deal with all of the quiet dysfunction from my “blended family” home life.

By the time I was twenty-one, I had undergone two abortions. I was a beauty queen who wore a mask. I grew to hate men and would go to bars with plans of taking advantage of them (so I thought) by luring them into buying all of my drinks only to drop them like a hot potato. The only problem was, at the end of the night “I was usually plastered” and ended up fooling around with whoever the last lucky guy was. It was a horrible time in my life. I thank God everyday that I lived through the evil that I placed myself around during those wandering years. I was looking for love in all the wrong places, and always winding up more broken and more empty than the day before. I was beginning to self-destruct.

My real dad… “Disney Land Dad” is what I called him… only came to get me about once per year from the time I was nine years old. He was a social alcoholic who always involved me in his weekend “parties” the few times we were together. As a young girl, I thought it was “cool”. Although my real dad was never there for me and he never taught me anything of value, he was still my hero. I was so disillusioned. A few months after I had my first baby, my real dad died of cancer. I could write a book about the anger I felt toward God AND toward my real dad for his untimely death. Maybe I will, someday.

After meeting my husband and marrying at the age of twenty-two, I thought my life had taken on a new birth. My problems were all over… so I thought. I had become a control freak by this time with multiple business locations, lots of money, and a good looking husband! “I” was out to MAKE my life good - not knowing that apart from Jesus… life is still very E-M-P-T-Y. “I” was my own god. “I” controlled my destiny.

Early on in our marriage, my husband and I began using cocaine. I’ve never been one that was prone to any sort of addictions, but that drug was definitely “talking” to me. One night, after a long fight with my husband (in a fit of anger and self-pity) I snorted the entire bag by myself. My thoughts were, “I didn’t care if I died.” However, I must say that I didn’t “really” realize the lethal consequences of my actions. My heart began to beat out of my chest and I “truly” thought I was going to die. Refusing to go to the hospital, because I had a reputation to keep, I certainly didn’t want anyone to know that I was secretly doing drugs. I was full of PRIDE to the point of risking death rather than getting help. Crying out to God (whom I didn’t know at the time), I promised Him that I would never touch cocaine again if He would spare my life. Somehow, I survived and I’ve never touched it since.

Finally, in 1990, I surrendered my life to Jesus. I have a great story of how it all happened. Once I finally realized that money, success, and even love couldn’t fill the gap in my soul, I began to seek “god” for life’s meaning. I dabbled in everything from New Age Religion to praying to the Jesus I had learned about as a young child. Much to my surprise, the God of the universe heard my cries and sent people into my life who were radical followers of Christ. These people formally introduced me to Jesus, the lover of my soul and now the Savior of my life. Finally, my blinded eyes were opened to a whole new world of color, as everything appeared fresh and new. The sky was bluer. The trees were greener. And to my amazement, I could actually understand the Bible, for the first time.

About a year later, I prayed for the “baptism of the Holy Spirit” with evidence of tongues. This experience further opened my eyes to the “supernatural power” of God. In addition, my prayer language initiated a deeper healing of my soul. I was filled with holy laughter (a supernatural experience that caused me to laugh uncontrollably for many hours) and my soul was renewed to an even more child-like faith concerning the scriptures. Suddenly, reading my Bible went from black and white to LIVING COLOR! I felt like Clark Kent as he transformed into Superman. I was set on FIRE and nothing could stop my desire to tell others about this Jesus who “changed my life”.

Now, there have been some milestones throughout my Christian walk that can be compared to that of “peeling layers off the onion”. Overcoming “all” of the hidden wounds that were deep inside of my being has required me to face each stronghold in my mind. As God reveals a new aspect of my soul that needs healing, I must “confess it” and “repent of its power over me”. Prayer, Bible reading, and fellowshipping with Christian friends over the years have brought me to this place of wholeness. I praise God everyday for his mercy and grace to save a sinner, like me!

My VISION is restored and I’m ALIVE! Glory to God! Amen!