Upset writes…

Well, I am struggling with two things that I am super lost with. Both seem to tie together in the end. First, I am struggling through a depression that seems to not end. Nothing is really wrong and I should be happy but I can’t help but be upset and cying all the time. In fact, I was making a come back from cutting for four months and I failed again. To make matters worse, my boyfriend struggled with porn because of being introduced to it before he was a Christian and by the time he realized it was wrong, he was addicted. I try to handle it maturely when he messes up but it hurts so much that he’s seen all of what he’s seen. I don’t know how to handle it. I could go into more detail if you want, but I am really not feeling really good, so I need to keep it short. I would really like some advice. Please..

Beloved by Him replies…

Dear sister,
I know that you’re suffering. I am very concerned that you are cutting yourself. The fact that you are feeling depressed to the point that you are thinking and feeling that you need to self-afflict to relieve your emotional pain is a sign that you need to let others help you overcome this burden. I am very thankful that you are willing to talk about this with WeUsed2bu, but I am adamantly recommending that you be brave enough to go to someone that you trust, and tell them that you need some help to get through this time. It may be hard for you to talk to someone about this, but if you isolate yourself, I believe that the enemy can work overtime and keep tormenting you. I know that the Lord is so gracious, that He will provide help for His children, and that He wants to see you healed from this emotional and spiritual pain (Ps. 23:4, 147:3, Is. 41:10, II Cor. 1:3-5).

Depression is a complex issue that should not be taken lightly. People who are suffering from depression have no reason to be ashamed of what they’re going through—the important thing is to not ignore it. If you believe that you may be struggling with depression, than let a qualified professional evaluate you so that they can determine if you need medical intervention such as medication. It’s possible that you don’t need that kind of help, but it’s so much better to make sure, because certain kinds of depression need medical treatment.

The depression you feel may have nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. It could just be an imbalance in the chemicals in your brain, and there are a number of medications that a doctor could use to provide help. The human body is a wondrous creation of God, but it is subject to corruption as a result of us living in an imperfect world. Still, God is in control, and He will use even this for your good, because it will teach you how to trust and depend on Him for guidance, wisdom, and healing (Rom. 8:22, 28).

You also need to ask the Lord for help in dealing with your emotions and feelings. You may not be aware of something weighing on you that may have contributed to the depression. There are times when anxiety, worry, and fear get the best of us and make us depressed (Prov. 12:25). Sometimes it’s shameful feelings about our past actions or sins that can cause despair of even life itself (II Cor. 7:10). (That’s where the enemy had me over a barrel for a while.) There are also times when we experience grief and sadness over the loss of a loved one or a traumatic event in our lives (Matt. 5:4). I hope that if any of those things apply to you, that you will allow the Lord to minister to your spirit. Whatever it is that is causing our sadness, the Lord is always there to help us carry the burden (Ps. 55:22, I Peter 5:7).

Some things in life are just too difficult to bear alone. That’s why Jesus sent us the Holy Spirit to be our Helper and Comforter (John 16:16, 16:7). We need to learn to rely on Him and not our own strength, because our own coping abilities are often not enough, and where we are weak, then we can be made strong in Him (II Cor. 12:10). The Holy Spirit gives us Jesus’ peace and brings to mind the Word He taught us. That’s why reading and meditating on scripture is going to be one of the most important things you can do to help yourself. God’s word literally heals us (Ps. 107:20). By purposely focusing your thoughts on what God has to say about your life, and His promises and plans for you, you will begin renewing your mind and changing your outlook (Jer. 29:11, Rom. 12:1).

This is not some quick-fix psychology trick. The truth of God’s word sanctifies us by teaching us to think and act in accordance with God’s will (John 17:17). The more scripture you know, the more you will know the character of God, you will understand His faithfulness, and you will be able to react to negative thoughts by allowing the Holy Spirit to filter them through His word. That’s what it means to take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (II Cor. 10:5). When a thought comes in like, “I am depressed and I can’t do this anymore,” it can be countered with “The joy of the Lord is my strength, and I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me” (Neh. 8:10, Phil. 4:13).

For a Christian, this type of thinking needs to be a way of life. We need to know what God, through His word, has to say about everything and anything, so that we can think and live in a way that glorifies Him. Learning to take our thoughts captive takes a lot of diligence as we “retrain the brain,” so to speak, but it’s going to be the only thing that makes a lasting change in our hearts and minds. The payoff is more peace and hope than you ever had before, and that hope is precious, because it reminds us that we are going to be okay because the Lord is on our side (Ps. 118:6, Is. 26:3, Rom. 5:5, 15:13).

I know you can do this. It may be a process, a long road, and you may not believe that it will ever end and be tempted to give up. When I was going through this, trying to break the cycle of negative thoughts in my mind, I was overwhelmed, and in a difficult and almost defeated moment, I asked my husband why this was so hard. He gave me a very wise answer—he said that maybe it was so that God could burn it on to my heart, so that I wouldn’t forget. That made sense to me, and I can tell you that it is true. I remember more scripture that I learned during the days of my depression than a lot of what I have learned since. If you will commit yourself to learning and loving God’s word, I know that He will open the door to a whole new life for you.

Speaking of a new life, if your boyfriend is a Christian, then he is a new creation in Christ as well (II Cor. 5:17). What he has done in the past is covered by the blood of Jesus, and needs to stay there. Pray for the Lord to give you the grace and mercy to forgive him, and ask Him to heal you of your hurt and frustration. If your boyfriend slips up again, forgive him again, and remember that stronghold sin is not always “cured” immediately. All of that being said, however, I hope you are confident that this is the relationship that the Lord wants you to be in. You are not obliged to see that he gets the help he needs to overcome this addictive behavior, and you need to know that you are building your life with the person God intends for you. I’m not telling you he is or isn’t, but I would caution you to make sure that you see a true change of heart in your boyfriend regarding his actions, including getting some accountability with other Christian brothers, and never trying to draw you in or join him in any of that behavior. You need a man who will be a strong spiritual leader, who is full of God’s wisdom and grounded in integrity. Don’t take any further serious steps with someone who is not seeking the Lord with all of his heart, mind, soul, and strength.

We love you, sister, and we hope that you will draw closer to the Lord than you ever have before. He is waiting to be your hiding place, your strong tower, your Deliverer, and your refuge. Let Him quiet your soul with His love as you go through this time, and listen to Him as He sings His songs of love over you through His word (Zeph. 3:17). Stay rooted and grounded in His love for you, and trust that He is completely, totally faithful. Be strong in Him, and in the power of His might, and wait on Him as He strengthens your heart. You will rise up again on eagles’ wings—until then, rest on your Abba’s shoulders and let Him carry you a while.

Much love sister,

Beloved by Him

Is. 61:3: “To console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”
John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

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