I Am Having Daddy Relationship Problems
Anonymous writes…
I am having daddy relationship problems! I need some good Christian advice here…
Well I have accepted this fact: my dad is a part of who I am and without him, I wouldn’t be here. I love him, I really do..that will never change (even though I thought it had changed for a while about a year and a half ago when I stopped going to see him). I was so wrong.
I am afraid to have a relationship with my dad because I am afraid he will bring back the emotional hurt he caused me that I have locked away in a box don’t want opened, deep inside my heart. I am afraid I will feel that horrible feeling of resentment toward him that I once did. I don’t want to feel that way against him BECAUSE i love him…
Ready to read a book? Hehe…its long enough! 
There were times when I would go to his house and his wife would say things that would hurt me so bad inside (she has bi-polar and can’t really help it if off her meds). Horrible things about my mom (who I’m really close to), about me, about a mistake made by me, etc. My dad would stand there, watching, and let her. A lot of times he would side with her..I don’t know if he really felt that way towards me or if he just wanted to keep the peace between him and her. Either way, it still broke my heart to hear these things..and especially to see my dad letting it happen. I trusted him…in my early childhood, I even looked up to him because he was such a good and fun dad when I was little. I felt like he abandoned me…and I still feel that way..
Then he himself would say/do things that got to me. Things when he was angry at me and probably didn’t mean..things when he was disappointed at me. But he never took it back, never apologized; even if I did. I noticed he could never accept being wrong if he was..he always turned it around on me and somehow it was always my fault; no matter what the situation was. In fact, I’ll bet you everything I have, if you were to tell him about this conversation he will deny most of the things I said, say I was overreacting, and somehow turn the story around on me…
By him doing that, he made me feel like a failure whose feelings did not matter. The girl who could never do anything right. Worthless. If these feelings are exaggerated, I didn’t have many positive words from him to look back on.I didn’t have hardly any words of encouragement (without sarcasm or guilt trips) to look back on. If I did, I could have been able to talk myself out of these feelings. A few times when I mustered up enough courage, I would try to talk to him about how I felt over at his house every other weekend. He never seemed to fully hear me out or understand. If he did, nothing ever changed…I gave up on trying to please him..trying to make him proud of me. Nothing I did was ever seemed meet his expectations, but somehow my mistakes were always a big deal and very much highlighted. Feeling like I was walking on eggshells, I gave up long before I even stopped going to his house. I just..broke down inside, I guess. Going through the motions, trying to get through his weekends. I always dreaded going but of course I hid that and didn’t tell him because even though I resented his actions, I still cared about his feelings too much to hurt them. He is my dad.
It was only when I couldn’t take it anymore that I told him I didn’t want to to come anymore. I didn’t feel there was use in fully telling him why at that point (because I had already tried to a lot of times before and it resulted into nothing or him not seeming to care), so I only gave him a few of the bigger reasons…and then just went back to my mom’s and never returned there.
If you were to ask me for something he has said to me that hurt in specific, I would only remember 1 or 2 things over the span of 5 years. The words don’t stay with me, but the feelings they left behind in my heart do. I have matured quite a bit since the last time I saw him in person, and have forgiven him now. Without God, I couldn’t have accomplished that; so the credit goes to Him.
But, even though I forgave him, I’ve still got that locked up box that I never want to open. He still calls my mom up, blaming me for our bad relationship and asking my mom why I don’t have much to do with him anymore…obviously he has not changed one bit. So like an old wound, I’m afraid a renewed relationship with him would cause it to become cut open again by the emotional abuse. It took so much to patch it up…and my dad has not changed. I know, because my brothers still go and I ask my oldest younger brother about him and the things he does/says. He still talks to my mom the same way he always has; they fight on the phone like they always have been and my dad is always defending the same thing; his pride and his money. His ways haven’t changed much, but mine have. I try to look at him in a positive light even if it is hard…
The lacking of a father-daughter relationship with my real dad is not easy to live with. It affects me negatively in areas of my life…such as with trust issues. A big part of me just longs for a nice, Godly relationship with my dad and for him to be proud of me but I don’t think it will ever happen. He isn’t even a Christian. I have been convinced that it is healthier for me emotionally to either steer clear of my dad or have a long-distance relationship with him that is good. But even that is hard to do. He will be moving across the country in a few days so he can keep his high-paying job.
What can I do to make this better that would not emotionally rip me to shreds..?
Trophy of Grace replies…
My sweet sister..I wish I could hug you tight. I feel your hurt and frustration. It sounds like you are trying to forgive your dad but that you are so hurt and let down that you are still holding on to a lot of the pain.
Last month we did a series on emotions and one of the women of WeUsed2bu, Deborah Ross, wrote on forgiveness. Please take a moment and read this article Forgiveness Is A Process. I believe this will help you right where you’re at.
This situation is tough, but through God’s power and strength you can overcome this. I know that you have certain expectations for your dad that he is obviously not meeting and may not be able to meet right now. However if I were you I would not give up on him. Let your love for him motivate you to pray and intercede for him and his family. Pray for their salvation and for the veil that has been placed on their eyes to be removed so that they can receive Truth. (2 Corinthians 4:4) The more you pray for him and his wife the more you will see that our Lord will change your heart and your perception on the whole situation.
I strongly believe that is part of the reason Jesus directed us to pray for our enemies. He wants to change our hearts. He wants us to learn to be compassionate even to those who hurt us just as our Heavenly Father is compassionate to the undeserving. (Luke 6:26)
“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.” Luke 6:27-28
You see right now you feel your father has hurt you and let you down, even abandoned you, but imagine how his life is without Christ Jesus. Where does his hope come from? How about his peace? He doesn’t have God’s Spirit residing in him. He is suffering in his life more than you know.
I am sure that he is hurting about this estranged relationship with you. Even if he doesn’t show it or admit it believe me I am sure that he wishes it were different between you two. Instead of holding on to unforgiveness or bitterness toward him show him compassion and mercy and ask the Lord to use you to be an example of godly love. Your love towards him will be a great testimony to him.
Forgive your father and wipe his slate clean. Give your relationship a fresh start. Try to reach out to him once a week. Just to say hi and I love you. Before you call pray and ask the Lord to prepare your heart and to give you the words to speak and to keep a cover over your mouth when you are not to speak. You will see that if you will give this relationship to the Lord He can do amazing miracles, but you have to trust Him. You will reap a harvest of blessing in this relationship if you do not get tired of doing good and give up. (Galatians 6:9)
I was praying for my father and his wayward lifestyle for over ten years and he just got saved two Sundays ago. I got to be the one to walk with him up to the altar. I accepted him the way he was even though I did not agree with his decisions or way of life. I trusted the Lord and little did I know that my father was watching the Lord do a work in my life the whole time. Glory be to God who allowed my father to see the Truth and set him free. Now he is a man of God. Our God is no respector of persons. What he has done for my dad I know that He can do for yours. But will you chose to stand in the gap for your dad?
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13
I will be praying for you sister..please keep posted. If you need encouragement along the way please come back to us.
Blessings to you my sister,
in Christ Jesus name
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