Victimized Over & Over Again
Anonymous writes:
Hi,
I am having a lot of trouble forgiving my ex-boyfriend…i was wondering if maybe you had any advice on how i can do this…i know that i need to. I just get so upset and angry every time i think about it though. I was with him for a year and 1/2. He was not really nice but i had myself convinced that he didn’t really mean the things that he said or did. He was always telling me that i wasn’t good enough, and giving me big lists of all the things that i needed to improve on…he told me i needed to lose weight all the time…even though everyone else said i was to skinny (I am a recovering anorexic) he cheated on me multiple times. I know i shouldn’t have but i slept with him…i was to scared to say no…i didn’t want him to be angry and leave me…but then a while later he made me do more that i didn’t want to do and from then on he just raped me whenever i would say no…i don’t even know how many times he raped me anymore…i ended up pregnant but i had a miscarrige…he never knew…he was so angry another time when i thought i might have been that i didn’t dare tell him when i actually was….i was so stupid to have stayed with him so long….so i guess its kinda my fault that this all happened…its been a over a year now almost two and i guess i should be over…but its still in my head a lot…i have dreams about it sometimes…i just don’t know what to do or how to feel am really confused…maybe its me that needs the forgiveness and not him…i don’t know….any advice would be appreciated….sorry this is so long…
Beloved by Him replies:
Dearest sister,
You have been victimized in some of the most devastating ways possible by your ex-boyfriend. He tore you down both emotionally and physically so that he could control you. But you do not have to remain under his control: Forgiveness is for you, so that you can be free from this bondage once and for all. Forgiveness, healing, restoration, hope, and comfort can all be found in Jesus Christ, the Word of God.
We are here to tell you, from the absolute truth of God’s word, that you are completely loved, accepted, and cherished in God’s eyes. Nothing that has ever happened to you could ever change how the Lord sees you. You are His wonderful creation, His beloved daughter, the apple of His eye (Ps. 139:13-13, Eph. 2:10, Ps. 17:8, Eph. 1:6). No one and nothing can ever, ever change that. God only sees His children as the righteousness of Christ Jesus, totally justified and sanctified by His death on the cross (Rom. 3:24, 5:1,21, Eph. 1:3-4, Heb. 10:10,14, I Pet. 2:24). The terrible things that have happened to you were not His will for you, but He will, in the same grace and power that raised Jesus from the dead, use this for good in your life (Rom. 8:28). Jesus will never abandon you to suffer at the hand of sin—His light will come bursting forth, defeating the forces of the enemy and bringing you His justice and righteousness, and you will not ever be ashamed, even when you see Him face to face (Ps. 18:2, 34:5, 37:39, John 14:18, 27, Rom. 8:31-39, II Tim. 4:18).
The trauma of rape is so painful, and so difficult to process, that you cannot go through this alone. You have been very brave to come forward here and start seeking help, but we must stress the absolute importance and necessity that you seek out one-on-one Christian counseling with a professional who is experienced in dealing with dating violence. You need help to walk through the healing process, so that you can truly go from victim to victor. A Christian professional counselor will be a wonderful resource for you, a safe place, so that you can begin to allow the Lord to rebuild what was so wrongly taken from you. This is going to take time, and we truly hope and pray that you will have the faith to step out once more and trust that the Lord will lead you to the right place where He will provide help.
As you are seeking the Lord’s guidance and preparing to take that step into one-on-one counseling, please also consider what other resources you may have available to you. From what you’ve written, it seems that you might not have any family support to turn to. We are very concerned that you do not isolate yourself, because you need to know that you are not alone, and that there are many others out there who have experienced the same things as you, and they are either in the healing process, or have been healed and want to provide help. There are support groups that can provide understanding, affirmation, and encouragement from those who have also been victimized. These groups should not be a substitute for individual counseling, but should be a supplement to it. Some of the places you may find help are:
Hope for Healing– http://www.hopeforhealing.org/teen_dating_violence.html
Christian Survivors Ministries– http://www.christiansurvivors.com/index.html
National Center for Victims of Crime– http://www.ncvc.org/tvp/main.aspx?dbID=dash_Home
TN Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence– http://www.tnblue.org/onlineresources.cfm
The National Women’s Health Information Center– http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence/
RAINN– http://www.rainn.org/
Not all of these organizations are Christian, but we are trusting that the Lord will bring the right people into your life to help you. We strongly recommend and believe that if at all possible, you need to be in a Christ-centered environment for your counseling. It’s vital that you are receiving godly help from those who are grounded in the Word, because that will always be your everlasting foundation (I Cor. 3:11).
Beloved sister, please believe in God’s love for you enough to take the first steps to love yourself and get the help and support you need. We love you, and are here to tell you that there is nothing that can separate you from the love of Christ Jesus. He will be faithful to complete the good work He began in you, and will use for good what the enemy intended for evil. You truly will be more than a conqueror through Him, because greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world, and your faith in Christ will give you the victory (Gen. 50:20, Rom. 8:37-39, Phil. 1:6, I John 4:4, 5:4).
Please let me pray for you:
Heavenly Father, Dear Jesus our Savior, Dear Holy Spirit,
Thank You, Lord, for my sister whom You created for Your good purpose, because she would bring joy to Your heart. Lord, I ask now that You would intervene strongly on her behalf, bringing the right people into her path that can help her in this time, by speaking Your word and Your comfort into her heart and spirit. Lord Jesus, I pray that You would give her the peace that passes understanding as she has to face the things that have hurt her, and that You would hold her up by Your generous Spirit, so that she would know complete comfort and healing. I pray, Holy Spirit, that You would pour out Your love and hope into her heart, so that she would be able to rest in that love, and that she would know that her life in you is more valuable than she can imagine. I ask, Lord, that You show her that You will use this for good in her life and the lives of others, that once she is healed, she will be able to help others heal also. Thank You for Your perfect faithfulness to us, that You love us more than we can comprehend, and that You will never leave us or forsake us, because Your Spirit has sealed Your salvation into our hearts until we see You in person. Thank You for Your grace, mercy, and love, Lord God. We love You. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.
Please keep your eyes and your heart fixed on Jesus, because He is the One Who will help you. Thank you for coming to WeUsed2bu during this time, and please let us know how you are doing. “But we are bound to give thanks to God always for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God from the beginning chose you for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth.” (II Thess. 3:13) I know that the Lord’s hand is on your life; let Him lead you to the green pastures and still waters He has prepared for you (Ps. 23:2-3).
Much love, sister,
Beloved by Him
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Dear Stellie,
You stay in the Word, girl–you will find healing there. Jeremiah 17:14 says, “Heal me and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved, for You are the One I praise.” Keep your eyes on Jesus, and believe that there are brighter days ahead (Prov. 4:18). We love you, we’re here for you, and I’m looking forward to that hug
Thank you soooooo much for all your help!!! You have been so encouraging!! Thanks! I have found a christian counsellor and support group now, I haven’t been yet but will be going soon. Thanks for sharing all the bible verses with me, I have been reading them all the time and am slowly starting to feel better…it’s going to take a while but I think i will actually be ok in the end. Thank you so much for your advice!!! And one day when i see you in heaven am going to give you the biggest hug for all that you have done!! Thanks!
Dearest Stellie,
If I could reach through the computer and give you such big hugs, I would. My heart broke when I read your response. But I am so glad that you wrote back and shared some more about how you’re feeling, because you are showing strength and desire to be healed. That means you have hope in your heart! Don’t be afraid to have hope, because “hope does not disappoint, because the love of God is poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, Who was given to us.” (Rom. 5:5) If you have received Jesus Christ as your Savior, then the Holy Spirit is living inside your heart, always filling it with the love of God.
I know it’s hard to understand, when something like this happens, why God allowed it. Stellie, this is just the consequence of living in a fallen and sinful world. This was not God’s desire for you, His beautiful and precious daughter. But this world is sold under sin, and there are many people in it who are slaves to it because they have not been set free by the blood of Jesus Christ. The thing to know is that Jesus, by His death on the cross, defeated sin, and He gives His people victory over it. What the enemy uses for evil in our lives, God will overcome and use for good (Gen. 50:20). It’s up to us to have the faith in Him that He will do it—not so that He’ll to do the work, because He is going to work His plan in our lives regardless, but for us to walk in that victory until we see it come to pass (I John 5:4-5).
Stellie, you may feel broken and used, but in God’s eyes, if you are His child through salvation in Jesus Christ, you are totally righteous. That means that He can never see you as anything as perfectly pure, because your life is hidden in Christ Jesus, and you have put on His righteousness instead of your own (Col. 3:3, II Cor. 5:21). Whatever way someone has sinned against you, or whatever you may have done in the past, is gone and done in God’s sight. This is the joy that we have in Jesus. Not only have we received forgiveness and justification for our sins, but we also are freed from the burden and punishment that sin inflicts on us.
One of the areas that you may need a lot of help with is shame. The feelings of shame that you have are definitely not coming from God. Shame is based on fear of being unworthy, bad, or unlovable, NONE of which you are. Not only does God love you completely and not judge or condemn you, but also, there is absolutely no fear in God’s love (Rom. 8:1, 33-34, I John 4:16, 18-19). You never have to be afraid that God doesn’t love you, or that He will take that love away from you.
Let me share something with you that you can do every time you start to struggle with these negative feelings. Open your bible, and turn to Romans chapter 8. Start in verse 31, and read it out loud, except that everywhere it says “we” or “us,” put your name there. In case you don’t have a bible, and because you’re here now, I’ve typed it out for you—but still read it out loud so that the enemy can hear it!
“What then shall ____ say to these things? If God is for ____, who can be against ____? He Who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for ____, how shall He not with Him also freely give ____ all things? Who shall bring a charge against ____, God’s elect? It is God Who justifies ____. Who is he who condemns ____? It is Christ Who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, Who also makes intercession for ____. Who shall separate ____ from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, ‘For Your sake we are killed all day long, we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.’ Yet in all these things ____ is more than a conqueror through Him Who loved her. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate ____ from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Rom. 8:31-39)
I know it’s hard for you to go through much of this alone. But I know that the Lord will send you help, because you need it, and He always supply our needs (Phil. 4:19). I don’t know all the ways He is going to do that yet, but I do know that there is comfort and healing in His word (Ps. 107:20, Matt. 11:28). You can always turn to the Word to find peace, truth, and assurance of God’s love. Have you thought about seeking out a Christian counselor at a local church? Some will either work on a sliding scale according to your income, or possibly even see you at no charge. What you don’t want to do is deny what happened and repress your emotions. It will only bring more heartache and destruction into your life if you do not allow yourself to receive the emotional and spiritual care that you need.
You are so valuable, so loved, and so worthy in God’s eyes, Stellie. Don’t let what happened to become the driving force in your life or the source of your identity. You have to believe that you are God’s girl, and that you can be healed if you will reach out and take the Lord’s hand, and let Him be your help and your salvation. Someday, you too will be one of those victorious Christians that are described in Revelation 12:11a, which says, “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony.” You can do all things through Christ Who strengthens you, Stellie. Ask God to give you the faith to believe it, and receive it with all your heart. You can do it!!
Much love, sister,
Beloved by Him
Hi,
Its me again. Thanks so much for saying all those nice things. Do you really believe all that stuff? You were right about me not having any family support…i called my mum up from his place once crying saying i wanted to come home, but she just yelled at me cause she didn’t want to come help me…so i decide not to even bother telling her what had been happening to me and i just ended up staying with him. But i met a nice girl at church who helped me get away from him…she is the only one who knows what happened…i didn’t tell her everything though cause i didn’t think she would be able to handle it…she hasn’t ever had anything like that happen before….i am trying not to isolate myself…but i just feel like i should cause i am so down at the moment and don’t think anyone would want to be around me. Plus i still think i should not be bothered by it anymore…its like i just woke up and realised it actually all really did happen and i kind of just refused to let myself believe before that it had happened.
I know i need to find a christian counsellor but i just can’t afford it right now…but i just joined that online support group you told me bout before…so until i can get counselling i will just have to use it and hope it can help a bit…thanks for telling me about that.
I been wondering…i know i shouldn’t but i have been wondering where God is and why He let it all happen? I know i shouldn’t think like that but why would he want anything to do with me…i am broken, used and damaged…i am so ashamed about everything…why would he bother with me…sorry to bother you again