How Can I Let Go And Stop Hurting?
Anonymous writes…
15 months ago my husband left me for another woman. That other woman was my neighbor. For 9 months every day I had to walk out my front door and see them together. It was so painful. They would call and taunt me. And she did anything and everything to put it in my face. My problem is after 15 months and everything he’s put me through I still love him as much as I did the day he left. I still miss him more than anything. We don’t have any contact at all and haven’t in a year. But I still feel this way. We are still married. He has tried to get me to sign divorce papers but I can’t bring myself to do it. How can I let go and stop hurting?
Trophy of Grace replies…
My goodness sister this is just awful. I can’t imagine the sorrow that you have felt through this terrible ordeal. My heart is filled with sadness and compassion for you. To answer your question, ‘How can I let go and stop hurting?’ I think that in order for anyone to move on from hurts and offenses, we have to learn to forgive first. Forgiveness is a process that begins with prayer and drawing closer to God’s Word for healing and restoration. His Word will help us renew our minds about the situation. His Word will reveal the Truth that will set us free if we will believe and trust in Jesus. It will bring you comfort, confirmation, and revelation. The Word will assure you that even through this experience, He will work everything out for your good. You will have pain, suffering, and even mourning over your loss, but He will give you beauty for your ashes, the oil of joy for your mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. You will be restored one day and all of them that mock and persecute you will see that you have found favor with God.
I promise that this suffering is only for a season. I believe that in this case you can put an end to this season by turning to Jesus Christ for healing, forgiveness, and restoration. He sees all of your suffering and He has been by your side the whole time. I don’t know if you believe in Christ Jesus, but I know that He believes in you. He wants you to lay everything down at His feet. This burden that you have been carrying is way too heavy for you. It is not a yoke that He has put on you. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I believe He is saying to you right now,
“Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
You see, sister, God has a plan and purpose for your life, but you need to seek Him first and His way of doing things, and then you will know how to face life’s trials and tribulations. You will know that you are not alone and that God is on your side no matter what. Read these verses out loud and imagine that it is God speaking them to you, because He is…
“ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me.” (Jeremiah 29:11-13)
I don’t know what is to come of your marriage or why your husband left you. But I do know that there is one Man who would die for you. In fact, He did die for you. He’s Jesus Christ. He died to set you free from sin, death, and slavery to your sinful nature with all of its addictions and emotional turmoil. All He wants is for you is to realize that you are a sinner in need of a savior, to believe in Jesus Christ as your Savior, and for you to repent of your sins.
“If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. As the Scriptures tell us, ‘Anyone who trusts in Him will never be disgraced.’” (Romans 9:10-11)
When you do this, you will be given right standing with God and then His Spirit will come to live in you, to guide and lead you all the days of your life. As you seek out His will for your life, you will see that you will learn to let go of everything and anyone that is not for you, or is not God’s will for you. Then you will have no problem moving on, because you will desire God’s will more than your own.
Now is time for you to cry out to the Lover of Your Soul, Christ Jesus, to save you and help you in this time of distress. Realize that you need Him now and forever more and your life will be changed for all eternity. It is only through receiving His forgiveness that you will be able to forgive too, then you can truly move on.
I will be praying for you sister…
Sincerely,
P.S.
Here is an article that I think may help you too. The video is one that I just ran into yesterday and I wanted to share it with you.
Popularity: 3% [?]
Dear Sister,
You are not the only one to struggle like this. Just because people look “normal” on the outside, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t struggling with their own temptations and trials (I Peter 5:9). But the enemy wants you to think that way, because it will keep you isolated from others who can strengthen your walk and encourage you with their friendship. If he can keep the body of Christ separated, then he knows we’re not working together to achieve unity or being effective for the Lord. God’s desire for you is to be rooted and grounded in the love of Christ, where you will find not just a love for Him, but a love for others as well (Eph. 3:17, I John 4:7,11).
I think you may have already pinpointed one area that’s holding you back. You mention that if someone hurts you, you find it difficult to be the same person to them. That sounds like it may be a lack of true forgiveness, which is producing some bitterness and, sadly, causing you to lose friendships. Unforgiveness stems from pride—an unwillingness to forgive others, despite all that God has forgiven of us. Yes, others may have hurt or offended you, and it would seem justifiable to cut them off or keep your distance. But is your Heavenly Father not omniscient? Did He not see what would happen, and allow it, while promising to work all situations for good in your life? (Rom. 8:28, Is. 59:1) And more importantly, have we not done the same to Him, and has He ever turned His mercy away from us? (Ps. 66:20, 103:3, 10-12) We must forgive as we have been forgiven, from the heart, not keeping a record of what others have done to us (Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13). To do anything else would be to put ourselves in the place of God. We have to choose to trust in His love for us, and receive those hurts that are inflicted upon us, just as Christ Jesus was wounded for our transgressions (Is. 53:5, II Cor. 5:19). When we cover the sins of another, without bitterness or expectation of our own “justice,” we are showing them real love (Pr. 17:9, I Peter 4:8).
Without learning to give others that love, and receive it from them, you will not be able to have true friendships. A real friend is one who will tell you the truth instead of what you want to hear. They will confront you when you’re wrong, and challenge you to grow and develop your faith. (Pr. 27:6, 17) If you cannot receive those things in love, then how can you allow yourself to be close to someone? It’s not reality to be perfect all the time. We need people in our lives who will be straight with us, who will love us enough to stand up to us, and at the end of the day, we know that they still love us, and we love them—even if we didn’t like what they had to say. Those friends are worth their weight in gold. They are the ones of whom the bible speaks in Proverbs 18:24, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
By not allowing ourselves to pursue friends, whether out of fear, high expectations, pride, or just a wish to be “left alone,” we are depriving ourselves of one of God’s greatest gifts. The blessings of real, Christ-centered friendships are worth the work. And it is work! Especially these days, when we’re all busy, bogged down, superficial (Facebook!), and self-reliant, it takes effort to carve out time to spend with a friend. But the rewards are great! We will have sweet counsel, support, and love from someone who will pray for us, encourage us, and hold us up (or drag us along) during the rough times, and someone with whom we can enjoy and celebrate the great things that God has done in our lives (Pr. 27:9, Eccl. 4:9-10, Matt. 5:41, Mark 5:19, James 5:16). We all need that.
Remember, too, that the body of Christ has many parts, all designed to meet different needs (Rom. 12:4-5). Limiting yourself to only one friend puts too much pressure on the friendship. No one can meet all the needs of one person, and you may find yourself putting unrealistic expectations on the other person to solely be focused on you. A true friend wants what’s best for the other person, not just herself. It’s our job to honor our friends and to have an appreciation for who God made them to be (Rom. 12:6, 10).
I have been where you are, for sure. But as God called me into service for Him, He has brought me into friendships with some awesome and Godly women whom I have grown to respect and care for very much. I am thankful for them, not just what they bring to my life, but for their love and commitment to the Lord. It challenges me to pursue God, to appreciate the differences in people, and to accept that I’m not perfect, and that’s okay—with God and with them. It’s definitely a case of being equally yoked; the burden becomes easier and lighter when you have others alongside you who are going in the same direction.
I would caution you to really pray about what the Lord is showing you right now. I have seen my old habits of isolation and bitterness spring up in my children, and you are right—you don’t want to see it become a generational problem. When our children see us being critical, impatient, or distant with others, it can affect how they see people as well. We want to affect our children for good, showing them an example of God’s love, wisdom, and grace. Your husband also may be influenced as he sees you making healthy, positive friendships with your sisters in the Lord. While you can’t force him to get out and find friends, he may take courage as he sees you being lifted up by those who have a true heart for God (II Tim. 2:22).
Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Our closest Friend and Love should always be Jesus Christ, Who set the greatest example of love and friendship by laying down His life for us (John 15:13). After Him, we are called to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). I would challenge you to love and care about yourself enough to let other people into your life. Don’t miss out on one of the best parts of being a Christian: having friends who love God and love you.
Much love, sister,
Beloved by Him
Hello,
I am 36 years old. And i still have big problems in maintaining relationships.I don’t have problems making friends but after some time i get hurt it is not easy for me to be the same person to them. I try avoid seeing them and i have started preferring loneliness even in public gatherings.
I think i am the only person struggling like this bcos every one else looks so normal. MY husband is worse off than me. He is very shy and never talks to people. But on the outside he puts a pretext of egoistic person. He avoids social gatherings. I used to love making freinds earlier but after coming to the lord my inner thoughts are being churned and i am getting closer to it and i am not desperate for a friend but still very happy if someone comes and talks to me.
I sit alone in my daughter’s sport classes bcos there are two women who gave me a hard time in the group. i try to read the word but my mind is wandering. I had a close friend who used to come and talk to me but since i am alone now she also has joined the group and i feel worse to see my good friend not wanting to come to talk to me but making new friends and enjoying in the group.
Sometime back i used to sit in the group but always felt insecure in a big group. I have always wanted one to one relationship and felt insecure if there was more than one person.
And if this friend makes other friends i feel lost. it all sounds so crap but it hurts bcos this has been happening over the years and i end up losing friends by avoiding and not talking to them. is it pride and ego?
will i get over this which has become my charcter?i pray to the lors but when things get worse i keep questioning that i have prayed so fervently and why hasn’t god answered my prayers. and if he loves me why do i go through all this.
I am more concerned for my elder daughter who is having deep problems in relaiotnship even in making friends and maintaining them. Is it a family curse?