I Feel Like I’m Leading A Double Life
Anonymous writes…
I’m so confused and ashamed I hardly know where to start. I feel like I’m leading a double life. At church everyone thinks I’m a wonderful Christian girl. My small group leader even praised me in front of our pastor. But I’m not good like they think I am. My parents aren’t Christian and my home life is terrible. My parents are borderline physically abusive, and now my little brother hits me too. I’ve haven’t told anyone from church what goes on because I kind of deserve it and I’m 17 and about to move out.It’s really too late to do anything about it as I only have a month or two left at home. I also never wanted to be the “needy girl” at church. But I’m not strong enough to handle it and I’ve found myself relying on alcohol and drugs to escape more and more over the past four years. I’ve hidden it well- I don’t go to church if I’m hung over or something, and I make sure to hide everything if someone from my life group is coming over. No one knows anything. I want to stop and be who God wants me to be but I can’t do it alone. I’m too ashamed to tell anyone at church because I love being the good kid for once. I don’t think I could stand it if my small group leader saw me as one of the bad kids. Besides, I feel so horrible and guilty about not being the good Christian they think I am. Please help!
Trophy of Grace replies…
Oh my sweet sister how I understand more than you know. Sometimes I feel like I have to be so strong and not let anyone see that I am weak or in a fragile state, about to lose it. There are times where on the outside I am trying to encourage others wanting them to know that they have can have peace that surpasses all understanding by putting their trust in Christ Jesus and by casting their cares on Him, but on the inside I have hidden turmoil. I have allowed my troubles and stresses to creep into my mind with tormenting anxiety that contradicts the Truth of God’s Word. I start feeling consumed with emotion and then I feel like I just want to give up, like I can’t handle this anymore.
Lying spirits will tell me that I shouldn’t tell anyone what I am really going through because no one will truly understand, or they’ll think less of me, or they’ll use it later to hurt me. Sometimes the accusing spirits will taunt me with statements like these, “You are not a real Christian. You’re fake.” “You shouldn’t even be ministering to anyone” “You’re so weak. God can’t use you.”
These are cunning strategies of the enemy to try to get us isolated with our problems, ashamed to share them with anyone. The enemy of our soul has assigned demonic oppressing spirits to torment us and mess with our minds. Their goal is to try to get us to give up completely and turn to other sources of help like the drugs, alcohol, pills, shopping, ungodly counsel, etc. This is a trap! WATCH OUT!!
When I feel like I am about to fall apart, when I feel weak and ready to give up I immediately call on one the godly women that our Lord has put in my life to help hold up my arms during these battles. These women know the real me and the know Jesus Christ up close and personal. They are full of His Spirit and His Word. They are full of His love, grace, wisdom, mercy, understanding, and His boldness. So when I call them they speak His Truth into my life. They don’t say what they think I want to hear. They listen and use discernment to speak God’s Word into my weak spirit. They say what I need to heart. Then they pray over me and my situation and commit themselves to keep praying for me. These women are put in our lives for God to use when we are in these situations. They never take the place of running to Him and His Word, but they are conduits of His love which He uses to minister to us.
This is the scripture that comes to my heart for you.
“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” James 5:16
Sister you have to tell someone close to you who is full of God’s Spirit and that you know will speak the Truth of God’s Word into your life because of the love that they have for you and our Lord. You can’t overcome this on your own. You are not meant to. We need each other. We all make up the body of Christ and if one of us suffers we all suffer. I know that our Lord has put some Spirit-filled believers in your life that would immediately come to your aid to help you if you would stop hiding. You have to confess this sin so that you can begin to heal. This is not your fault and you DO NOT deserve any of this. You need to talk to someone about what you are going through at home. Perhaps you can go to your pastor or your small group leader.
Please don’t continue to go down this dark lonely path. Confess your sin and receive healing and restoration. Don’t hide any more. I am lovingly warning you that if you continue to hide this sin it will eventually be exposed. It is not God’s will for you to stay in the dark about this. That is why you have come now to us for counsel.
“Listen to the words of the wise; apply your heart to my instruction. For it is good to keep these sayings in your heart and always ready on your lips. I am teaching you today—yes, you—so you will trust in the LORD.” Proverbs 22:17-19
“Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.” James 4:17
The Holy Spirit just reminded of a posting I did called, “Little Lost Sheep”. Take a moment and read it. I believe it will minister to you. I will be praying for you sister.
http://www.weusedtobeyou.com/2008/11/25/little-lost-sheep/
P.S.
Once last thing..as I was about to close this letter a song came on called Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser. Listen to it..
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