I Just Found Out My Friend Is A Cutter
Anonymous writes…
I need help. I feel so confused right now. Just a few hours ago, I was IM-ing one of my friends and after a casual conversation, he told me he needed to tell me something. Now, my friend is different. It’s taken me four years really to become good friends with him. Always before it was me carrying on the conversation. He never was open with me. Honestly, I thought he never liked me. Things have changed in the past year because a lot of things have happened in our lives through the circumstances of another mutual friend. Anyway, these days, it’s he who actually starts the conversations, instead of me. Well, lately, he’s been acting a little weird. A lot, nicer it seemed. He’d say sweet things occasionally (not inappropriate tho). But I got the feeling there was something he was wanting to tell me. I became anxious because I thought (and I feel foolish now) he was beginning to like me and wanted to ask me out. I’m only 16 and am not dating yet. I was so afraid my saying ‘no’ would injure our friendship. So I kept avoiding him. Well, finally, I convinced myself to stop doing so, and just let him get it out. It was selfish of me to let him keep thinking this way (if he was). So when he said he needed to ask me a question, I let him. It startled me, because it was completely opposite what I had expected. He started with, “what do you know about cutters?” (This may seem like an odd question, but he kinda thinks I’m a “good” girl, if you know what I mean. Which bothers me because I have a lot of problems he doesn’t know about, but I’m just not at all comfortable sharing.) My heart started to pound. I told him I knew some about them. Well, after I prompted him a little bit, he told me he had that problem. In fact, he’d had that problem for 7 years. Frankly, I was shocked. Then I felt overwhelmed with sadness for him! All this time, he was going through this in secret. With no one to help him. I didn’t know what to say. I told him over and over how sorry I was. He told me to stop apologizing…I hadn’t done anything. I said I knew that, but I just didn’t know what to say. I said I was just so sorry he was going through that. To be honest, I had no idea what to say to him. I so badly want to help my friends and its so difficult for me not to get seriously depressed when a friend of mine is going through something. Like right now, I’ve been fighting depression all day. But what is tearing at me is the fact that I don’t know what to do or what to say to him. I told him that I’ll keep him in my prayers, and for him to let me know if there was anything I could do. I don’t think I gave him the right impression though. He feels that he freaked me out and I think he regrets telling me. I’m the only person (aside from his parents who…found out) he’s told. And the fact is, I’m like his only friend too. It’s really sad. The problem I have right now is I want to be able to do the right thing and say the right thing. I don’t want to make him worse. I don’t want him to clam down and not talk. I want him to get through this. But although I’ve dealt with other things with my friends, cutting has not been one of them. What do you say to something like that? I told him that God will help him get through this, but he seemed really doubtful. It wasn’t at all the right time to really start talking about that though. But I do need advice. What do I say to him? How do I act around him? How can I help him?? Thank you!!!
His Precious Gift replies…
As I was reading your questions I realized what a wise person you are at such a young age. You are full of compassion and you are asking the right questions. First I would like to tell you that your friend really trusts you. It’s not easy to share with anyone what he is doing; to him he may think it’s better to keep it a secret. Your relationship with him has been changing to the point that he has finally trusted you enough to share his most intimate secret. I think all that time that you thought he did not like you he was just building up the courage to share his secret with you. I believe this is a lot to take in and that is why you were shocked, sad and overwhelmed.
You say that his parents know and I really hope they are searching for a counselor or a pastor who would be able through therapy start the healing process. By allowing him to discuss his feelings God will bring peace, healing, and relief.
I am sure he does not think he freaked you out but he knows that it’s a lot to take in and that is why he was looking for the right moment to share it with you. By him telling you about his secret it’s the beginning of admitting he has a problem. He is searching and reaching out for help. For 7 years your friend has been cutting and hurting himself. Finally he decided to find someone he can trust to tell and that someone was you.
Your friend is in pain and the only way he knows how to cope with that deep pain is by inducing pain to his body. Cutting is a coping mechanism and a compulsive behavior. People who cut themselves are usually not able to express their feelings. Cutting is a temporary relief. I heard years ago that it was an action in order to get attention but that is a total myth.
You asked the questions, ‘what do you say to him? How do I act around him? How can I help him?’ Well start by telling him that you are there for him. That if he ever feels the need to hurt himself he can always call you and you would pray with him. Always be ready to listen to him. Listening is a missing art now a days. Everyone is so busy that we don’t have time to just listen.
You act around him the same way you did before. Be yourself. Ask God in your prayers to give you wisdom and the right words to say. Your friend needs someone to be a true friend who will encourage and listen to him. This is a tremendous responsibility for a 16 year old but God has placed you in your friend’s life for a reason. I believe he will continue to cut himself until he can find a way healthier way to express all his hurt. Please let him know that he needs to ask his parents to get him some help. Perhaps he can see a Christian counselor. 7 years is a long time.
The bible says ” For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth” Psalm 71:5 Encourage him to put his hope in the Lord who will help Him and be the comfort that he needs.
I’ll tell you a short story. I have a friend that many years ago starting cutting herself. She would wear long sleeves in 90 degree weather. Never wore shorts or a bathing suit. She was very shy and not very popular. I was young and did not pay attention to those things but my grandmother did. One day she confronted her in a very loving way. My friend broke down and told us what was happening in her life. I thought I was going to die. I remember saying, “How can this beautiful girl have so much pain in her life and she is only 15”. I could not believe how she could even breath and get out of bed every day. Thank God her mother took control of the situation and she was seeing a therapist within a week. That girl is a physician in a very well known hospital today.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Lord I trust you with all my heart and I won’t rely on just what I understand. In all my ways, I will rely on You, because You will direct me in the way I should go.”
Much love,
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