I Wanted Us To Work…I Don’t Want To Lose Him
Anonymous writes…
I have been dating a guy for about 6 months now who has full custody of his daughter. We are alot alike in so many ways. The ex is always trying to cause problems in our relationship. I have even found inappropriate text messages betweeen them on his phone early in the relationship. I chose that I didnt want to lose him and that I wanted us to work. I am also a single mom of one. I prayed to God for years to bring a good man and father into our lives. When I met this guy he was such a gentleman and I knew that he was what I had been praying for. He says he loves me and some times I feel that he does and there are times I am not so sure. He hides talking to his ex sometimes and with the incident early in the relationship it makes me wonder and have thought overcome me. Recently I called him while I was at work and he said they were just out and about when I asked and even later that day avoided telling me that he had taken his daughter to her see her mother 2 hours away. He says he loves me but does not know if it is enough to deal with the arguing. I dont want to lose him but feel like I am losing my mind and myself. Please I need some help…..
Gabie answers…
Dear Friend,
I must say that it is very appropriate that I would be called upon to answer this request. I happen to be married to a man who had two children from his previous marriage. At the beginning of my relationship with him, I honestly thought this would not be a big deal. As time has past, I must say I completely underestimated the challenges this would be to an already difficult relationship called marriage. The good news in my case is that although he struggles, he has honored the fact that we must be on one accord before he makes any decisions with regards to the children.
We have had to deal with an amazing amount of challenges from the childrens’ mom, and if it wasn’t because we made a commitment from the get-go to honor God in spite of all the challenges, I am not sure our marriage could have survived the 8 years so far. Marriage is a blessing of God. It is also very fertile ground that God uses to challenge and help us grow. Being that marriage is so sacred to God, it also happens to be very much under the enemy’s attack.
So, how do I see your situation? I see it as an extremely difficult thing for you to walk into. Please consider your very genuine concerns. If you are already facing inconsistency and deception from the man you are in a relationship with and you aren’t even in a marriage, what do you think awaits you once you’re married?
The time of courting or dating, if done in God’s way, is a time of deciphering whether the relationship will bring much glory and honor to the LORD. The goal is not our happiness as the world would want us to believe. The goal of the marriage relationship is to reveal to the world the relationship God has with his Church, his Bride. Remember God calls the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. How did Christ love the Church? He loved her by giving Himself up for her completely (Eph. 5).
The Bible teaches that with God as number one in our lives, the married couple must have each other as a clear second. Children are a blessing from the LORD but they must occupy their God-given place, which would be after God and after the husband and wife. I see reservations from your boyfriend already.
Anything that you strive to get you will have to strive to keep. My advice would be, better a short time with the right man than a long time with the wrong one. Divorce should not be an option for those who make the marriage covenant before the LORD.
We are clearly exhorted to make sure that when considering a relationship such as marriage we are to make sure that our partner is equally yoked with us (2 Cor 6:19). It is wise to not only consider if they are saved, but we must also consider how mature they are they in their Christian walk. Check their fruit.(Matt 7:17)
Please enter into a time of fasting and prayer and remove yourself completely from this guy until God confirms in your heart what it is HE is doing in this season in your life. Seek His will and delight yourself in Him and He will give you the desires of your heart.(Matt.6:33,Psalm 37:4) You will be ever so grateful that you didn’t rush into or justify anything. Let God show you through His word whether or not you should move forward.
Pick up some Christian books on marriage, such as books written by Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott. These would be good extra-Biblical sources. You will do well to invest in this much needed topic before you enter into the most important earthly relationship of your life.
In HIM,
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Good comment and advice. Thank you for sharing.
Hi,
I must say i too found myself dating a man that had a child. in my case, he had not really spoken to his child’s mother for some months and I actually encouraged they develop a better relationship for the child. one day a time to talk turned into a casual date, with her making jokes about how they would end up together, or how much she cared for him. my boyfriend made it clear that he cared for her because she was his son’s mother, but nothing else. my boyfriend has been known for some flirting cases, where I find messages, but never completely over the line. he has since realized that it was immature, and hasn’t done it since. many times although men may say they dont act out those messages, they need to realize the action or even thought is inappropriate.
if it has been resent since they separated then you may need to consider if his feelings are still in that relationship or in yours.
God bless