My Mom Has Forbidden Me To Date Until I Graduate From College
Anonymous writes…
Hi. Thank you so much for this website! It’s awesome and I love it!! I am writing to ask a question please:
I am 20years old and a junior in college. I met an awesome Godly man at the age of 18 in college when he was 21. We became friends (platonic). However, one year after we both recognized we liked each other as more than friends. We both told each other in order to bring clarity to the friendship.
You should know that my mom has forbidden me to date until I graduate from college with a PHD. However, my first question is: am I disobeying my mom because I fell for someone? I told him I am not allowed to date and he respects that. I have told my mom I met a man who wants to wait for me until after college, but she didn’t take it seriously. It was almost as if she didn’t think anyone could love me that much and it hurted me.
Also, we are currently illegal immigrants in this country which has partly influenced my mom’s decision to isolate me. She’s afraid something may happen and I might end up hurting myself and my potential future. So my second question is: is it disobeying my mom if I keep in touch with this man over email (general updates about our education and no communication involving our emotions for each other)until I have my PHD? I am asking the second question because I prayed about this man and I had peace in the answer God gave me which was to tell him I like him, but to refrain from dating him. Likewise, he prayed as well and God told him to wait for me.
Lastly, I am the only daughter of my mom and I feel she has yet to recognize that I am growing. She won’t let me go literally and doesn’t want to trust me to do anything without her controlling it. I am tempted to run away, but I stay because God has told me to respect my mom. I am also getting weary and tired of her constantly isolating me and forcing me to isolate myself. In short, my love for God keeps me from disrespecting her and going against what she tells me. And I also remember that God doesn’t put us in a situation that is too hard for us, so I keep thinking God is in control and He must have thought I would be strong enough to take this situation. I would very much appreciate your help as I am near to giving up in the whole situation. I am also developping bitterness towards my mom because of her rules. By the way, my dad left us, but he’s still alive and my mom won’t let me establish a better relationship with him because of his refusal to talk to her. Sorry for writing a novel, but I hope you can help me please. Thank you so much for your time.
Beloved By Him replies…
Dear Sister,
My heart goes out to you in your situation. I would encourage you to not get frustrated, but to keep your eyes on Jesus and know that He is working all of these circumstances out for your good (Rom. 8:28).
You are an adult, but because you still live under your mother’s roof, you have to abide by her rules. God will honor you for honoring her; you don’t have to agree with her to submit to her authority. God promises you that if you honor and obey her, things will go well with you and you will prosper (Ex. 20:12, Eph. 6:1, Col 3:20). However, you also have a responsibility to abide by the legal authority that is in place (Rom. 13:1-7). Is there a way you can get your immigration status approved? Maybe you can seek some legal counsel to rectify this situation.
As far as you and this man, you’ve both heard from the Lord that now is not the time for you two to pursue a relationship. Stick with that. We need to stand on the counsel that the Lord gives us and not go back and forth because of our feelings (James 1:5-7). It is probably not the best idea for the two of you to correspond via email right now. It challenges your mother’s rules, and it can become a distraction for you. If this man is the one that God has intended to pursue you in a committed dating relationship sometime in the future, then He will make sure that the circumstances come together at the right time. Keep the communication to a minimum, so that your emotions are protected and your focus can stay on God and your studies.
I immensely respect the fact that your love for your mom has kept you from rebelling against her. That is the power and love of the Holy Spirit at work in your life, and it’s a great testimony. Please don’t allow any bitterness to cloud your discernment or cause you to make a rash decision and cast away your confidence that God is still working in this situation. You may be the youngest in your family, but you can still influence your sisters if you allow bitterness and anger to take root in your heart—it can defile their walk as well (Heb.12:15). Trust that God’s purpose will stand above any plans of man (Pr. 19:21). He is teaching you patience, humility, and longsuffering. Receive the lessons He has for you, and commit yourself to obeying your mother for His sake (I Peter 2:20, 3:13-14).
Choose to believe the best about your mom and her feelings for you. Just as it’s difficult for you to understand her, it’s also very difficult to be as a parent to accurately reflect the love of God in our decisions and actions. She may have trouble separating her love and approval for you from her concerns about your future. Give her the benefit of the doubt. And if you find that your relationship with her still falls short of your hopes or expectations, you can still love her and pray that God will heal and restore the feelings between the two of you. God’s love helps us to bear, believe, hope, and endure all things (I Cor. 13:4-7). Let the Holy Spirit minister through you for both you and your mom’s sake (Rom. 5:5).
Stay on the right path. You’ve already done a good job of allowing God to guide and direct you, and He will continue to provide His wisdom to your willing heart. One verse that has been ministering to me lately is Prov. 24:10, “If you fail under pressure, your strength is too small.” Keep praying for God to strengthen you; I know He will. Claim the promises of Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” You can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens you (Phil 4:13). Be strong, sister. We love you, and so does He!
Love,
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