What If The Marriage Is Really Bad? Then Can The People Separate?
Anonymous writes…
What if the marriage is really bad? Then can the people separate, especially if they have children who are suffering?
His Precious Gift replies…
Dear Anonymous,
It is very sad that there are children involved in this situation. I know how hard it is for them to understand what is going on. They become confused and angry, and they often blame themselves. The only way to answer your question is with the word of God. I believe that the Bible is a practical tool for helping us overcome every trial. Its guidelines are essential for when we need to make a major decision. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)
Now the first question is are you both Christians? If you both are, the word says,
“Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:1-2)
Now you might ask how can a person’s mind be renewed? The Apostle Paul tells us to “take every thought captive.” (2 Corinthians 10:5) This statement implies that there is a choice of the will, and that we can use our will to begin to change the way we think. Each time a thought that is obviously outside the will of God and contrary to the Word of God comes into your mind, replace that thought with a truth from His Word. The results are godly thoughts resulting in godly actions.
Malachi 2:16 states, “’I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the LORD Almighty.”
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. Divorce is never the right thing to do; the only way divorce is permissible is sexual infidelity (Matthew 19:9) or physical abandonment (I Corinthians 7:15) which involves a non-believer.
I can’t tell you what to do and I don’t know what your situation is—even if it involves the children—but regarding divorce, you need to be careful in your decision. Marriage and divorce are not to be taken lightly. This passage cautions us not to separate what God has brought together for His purpose (Mark 10:9). It’s a binding contract with God.
Now if there is abuse, I would really hope you are seeking help and counsel within your church or local institutions in your area.
God is the God of love, peace and joy, and when there are problems in a relationship we see the opposite. The Word says in John 10:10:”The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Don’t let the enemy destroy your family and your future…
I will be praying for you and your family and I will ask God to give you wisdom to make the right decision. Remember always that Jesus loves you and you are never alone, He is faithful.
Much love,
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No sister you should not make a practice of lying. However your mom is trying to protect you all from an abusive spouse. Pray for God to help you guys so that you don’t have to lie for your safety. We will send you a copy of the book, but I will need you to follow the instructions given below.
thank you so much!And we will definately continue praying-i just can’t wait to leave.Also,you didnt answer my question about the lying thing.I would really appreciate it if you did cause its so confusing for me.Thanks-and i would love a copy of that book:)
Dearest Screaming!,
Sister I know you are hurting. I am sorry to hear what you ladies are going through. My heart breaks for you. Let me pray for you real quick before I go any further;
My Father, Lord,
I come before you on behalf of my sister and her family. You see the hurt and pain and all the drama they are going through. My heart is sad for them. Father I ask that you would fill them with a divine peace that surpasses understanding as they trust in you. Please Lord I pray that their hearts be sensitive to the leading of your precious Spirit. Holy Spirit give them strength to do what is right. Give them strength to fight and not to just lay down and take the abuse. Help them to set boundaries and stick to them. I ask that you would touch their father’s heart and that he would submit to you. I ask that if he does not want to repent that you would bring these ladies to a place of safety. Fill them with compassion, mercy, and love even though they are being abused. Remind them of your grace and mercy. Remind them that they have the Spirit of Christ and they can do all things through Him who strengthens us. I trust that you have a plan and a purpose for their lives and their family. I ask that they would be reminded of that and that they would be confident in your promises. In Jesus name I thank you, love you, and praise your holy name. Thank you my God for always proving yourself to be true and faithful. Amen!!
Sister I just finished a book called ‘Boundaries’ by Henry Cloud. It really helps explain healthy boundaries, how to create them, recognizing unhealthy boundaries, and so much more. It really empowers the reader to re-evaluate their relationships and challenges them to set healthy boundaries. I think this book would really bless you. If you want we would be happy to bless you with the book. If you are interested please email narrowroad777@hotmail.com and put in the subject box ‘Boundaries Book’ and be sure to include your name and shipping address and we will send a copy to you.
I really believe your mom needs to seek godly and professional counsel. Your situation sounds really unsafe. Domestic violence is a very serious situation. Please encourage her to get support before this gets any worse. I am really concerned for your families’ safety. Please take a moment and visit this link http://www.kulainitiative.org/?p=82 . The site is called The Kula Initiative. It talks a lot about domestic violence there. The founder of the site’s sister was murdered due to domestic violence.
We will be praying for you, but you ladies really need to be sure to be praying together also. Stay in the Word and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you through His Word. Allow Him to protect your mind and heart as you trust in Him. Your family and your situation is NOT without hope, but you do need to get help locally. You can reach out to us at any time. We are here for you sister.
Stay on the narrow road.
Sincerely,
Trophy of Grace
Hello!
Ok,so i wrote this a long time ago,and after reading all of your responses i felt encouraged.Unfortunately,we are still in a bad situation.I am one of the children in this(i also have 2 lovely sisters)and yes,we are all Christians,even my dad(supposedly).I have read those words in the bible about divorce many times,while looking for a way out.My dad is an abuser,and an extremely bad father and husband.Infact,there are just too many instances i can name that have resulted in tears,and recently one on New Years eve that resulted in my 9 year old sister in hysterics and my sisters, my mom and i waiting outside our house until 3 am while my dad told us that we couldnt enter the house.Its a long story,but he hit me,my mom and my older sister(17)and even grabbed her hair over the chair,while in the car.We left the car and then went to church for the new years service and when we came home,he told US to apologise because we left him in the car and alone on new years.He is constantly insulting us and pretty much everyone else we know.Thanks be to God though,i have an absolutely amazing mom,who,if not for her and God,i would probably have run away or gone crazy.Anyway,i hate living with my dad.So,as ive told you,my dad dislike mostly evryone,especially my moms family.Her sister had triplets and can you imagine that he forbids us to go to her house?We still go though.I mean they are family!!Lately my moms had to lie about taking us there,She says it wisdom,but i still call it lying.I love visiting my aunt and little cousins,but i dont want to lie to do it.I told my mom that we should just tell him the truth but i think shes scared he will go crazy(which he actually kind of is)and start hitting us.I defintely dont want that to happen but i hate lying.You know Abigail,how she did the right thing and then told her husband,who God struck down 10 days later.I honestly which that that would happen to my dad,which i know is sad.Yes he has his good moments,but those afre FAAARR and few in between.VERY rare.Im sorrry that this has defintely not been simple or straight to the point,but there is just so much that i want to get off my chest.Infact if i could sit and talk for hours with someone about how i feel and how wicked my dad is,i would be jump for joy.Thank you for taking time out to just read this,i really appreciate it.
Hello Anonymous:
First of all I want to say thank you for writing into this site to seek help for this situation. I can feel the heaviness in your heart through your question. Your question was simple and to the point and I’m not sure if you are writing on you behalf or someone else’s.
I am so sorry that this situation is happening, and I want to encourage you with God’s word that says that He will never leave you nor forsake you! (Hebrews 13:5) And God is not a God who has favorites, so His word is imparted to everyone. God is in control of this situation no matter how grim it may seem.
Let me ask you this, are the people involved in this marriage saved?
Do either of them know the Lord and have a relationship with Him?
Whatever your answer may be, my advice to you is to for this couple to seek Christian counsel, through a bible teaching, Jesus-loving church. I know that you are reaching out to our site to get answers, but you also said that one person in this relationship has an alcohol addiction and mental illness.
This person needs to seek help! But first of all, they need to realize that they have a problem. A lot of times people with addictions do not realize that they are addicted because their choice of addiction has become a part of their life, so its just like breathing or eating to them.
This is where prayer comes in!
I am not a professional psychologist, or a certified counselor, but I am a child of God and a praying woman, and I am a witness to prayer changing people!! I have seen God turn the hearts around of people who had been hard core and stubborn.
“And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their hearts of stone and give them tender hearts instead, so they will obey my laws and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God.” (Ezekiel 11:19-20)
God has a way of softening people to use them to carry out the plans that He has for their life. And God has a plan for each one of our lives, no matter who we are, if we would just yield to Him and seek Him.
Because this situation is concerning you, I beg you to begin praying without stopping. “Keep on praying.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
You are involved in this situation in some special way, and God has purposed you to reach out to our website to seek help, and this tells me that God has placed this burden on you so that you can bring the Light of Jesus to this dark situation! God has special ways of turning a situation around, and you should feel special that you are being used by Jesus to carry out a plan that He has for this relationship.
I don’t know the background of this relationship; you said that the marriage is really bad and there are children involved who are suffering, and I can tell you that the bible says, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:14) God loves those children and He loves their parents as well, no matter what they are going through.
This is the way God has intended a marriage to be: The husband to leave everything and everyone behind and cling to his wife and when God blesses them with children, the husband should cling to his responsibility as a father and nurture and love his children and not bring them to suffering. “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” (Genesis 2:24)
What is going on in this marriage is not lining up with God’s plan and purpose, so pray! God tells us in His word, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)
So I beg you to stand in the gap and pray for this person that is suffering from alcoholism and mental illness. Pray that God would bring clarity to their heart and mind and show them that what they are doing is wrong, and also pray for them to get the right help so that things do not get out of control to the point where someone gets hurt!!
I do hope that this couple can receive some sort of biblical counseling. I can’t encourage separation or even divorce, because that is not what God intended for marriage.
“Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them, for God has joined them together.” (Matthew 19:6)
I want you to pray this prayer along with whatever God lays on your heart:
“So we have continued praying for you ever since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you a complete understanding of what he wants to do in your lives, and we ask him to make you wise with spiritual wisdom. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and you will continually do good, kind things for others. All the while you will learn to know God better and better.” (Colossians 1:9-10)
Where ever you see the words “you” or “your,” replace it with the person with the addiction’s name.
Use this scripture to pray, and watch God move this mountain-sized issue and turn things around for the good of everyone concerned.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Romans 8:28)
Beloved sister;
His Precious Gift does such a wondeful job answering the question above with nothing but God’s Word & loving wisdom. Of course there are many different scenarios & our responsibility is to develop our relationship with God in such a way that HE can lead us through the shadow of the valley of death by His Holy Spirit (Psalm 23).
Many times our circumstances feel like we are in total darkness & this is when we need to remember that Jesus is the Light of the world. James 1:5 assures us that if anyone of us lacks wisdom we can ask the Father who will in no way hold back.
I can’t presume how difficult your situation is if indeed you are dealing with a person who might have such challenges as alchoholism or even mental illness. what I can tell you is that divorce is hardly ever the answer as mentioned above. The Bible assures us that God will never give us more than we can handle. Somehow our circumstances can assist in the transforming of our characters to be more like Christ which is God’s will for our lives.
I encourage you to seek help from your pastors and/or leaders if you feel that your life is in danger. They are placed in your life for your training & your protection as well (Prov. 15:22). Remember that we are His Body & when one suffers all of us suffer.
I would also like to remind you that our battle is not against flesh & blood but against rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph 6:12). The enemy of our souls hates the unity of marriage. He knows that we have the power & blessing to pray together & bring forth godly offspring.
Please look into books like “the power of the praying wife” by Stormy Omartian. I think that everything can be won through prayer & obeying God’s Word.
Will it be easy? by no means. Will it be worth it? Bringing glory to God is always worth it. We serve a Savior who endured the cross for the goal set before HIM. (Heb 12:1-3)
by grace,
Free in Christ
What if they are an alcoholic and mentally ill do you still have to stay married