With So Many Expectations & Spotlights Placed On Me I Don’t Want To Tell Anyone
Anonymous writes…
Hey, I read your testimony, which was totally beautiful and thanks for sharing it, and I thought you might have some good advice for someone like me and hopefully not judge me too harshly. I’ve been a Christian for a year now, but gone to church and Christian school all my life as a pastors daughter. Feeling the pressure to be perfect in my church, with my family, and at school, I pretended to be a good Christian long before I knew my savior. Although I have a lot of really amazing brothers and sisters in Christ who really know me and love me, I have problems none of them could help me with. I was bulimic before I became a Christian. I came to Christ, and stopped the e.d I’d been hiding so well since 13. The behavior stopped but the thoughts never did. I finally broke down into anorexia. I want to know how to stop, without having to tell anyone, if that’s possible. My relationship with God has a huge wall in it now because I haven’t been giving Him that part of my life spiritually or physically. Now I’m ready to but I don’t know how and with so many expectations and spotlights placed on me I don’t want to tell anyone and have them be grossed out by and dissapointed by me.
Beloved by Him replies…
My sister in Christ Jesus,
Dear one, our hearts here at WeUsed2bu are heavy for you. We want you to know that we are lifting you up in prayer, and trusting that the Lord is going to continue to reveal Himself to you in that quiet place in your spirit, and He has no condemnation for you, only hope and love and acceptance and grace. We pray that He will heal your broken spirit and that He will change the thinking that has driven you to this place, and we are confident that He will meet your needs and reveal how beautiful He is—and how beautiful you are to Him.
Sister, there is no harsh judgment in Christ. Since you read our testimonies, you know that if we could not completely trust in God that we are more than conquerors in Him, and that we will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimonies, then this ministry would not exist (Rom. 8:37, Rev. 12:11). You have an entire extended family in Christ, none of whom are perfect and all of whom have their own battles and strongholds. Don’t make the mistake of looking at other Christians who seem to “have it all together” and not think that we are all as desperate for the grace and mercy of God as when we first put our trust in Him.
Suffering with an eating disorder is such a huge, isolating burden. It keeps you locked up in your own mind, in your own perceptions, and without the help of others to keep you accountable and to minister to you when you’re having a hard time. I don’t think you can overcome this on your own, not because our God is insufficient, but because part of breaking the cycle of an eating disorder is being drawn out of this very private and destructive place of self-absorption. I think you need accountability, to have someone in your life whom you can trust, who is knowledgeable, and will ask you the hard questions, someone who knows how to help you on both a spiritual and physical level. It’s not impossible to do it on your own, but I strongly recommend you get some help.
When I was bulimic, God used my husband to help me stop. When I first told him, he was really hurt, because he couldn’t imagine I had been doing that to myself. His love for me opened a new door in my life, because I saw that someone cared about me being healthy and happy more than about me being thin, which I thought was the most important thing, especially in a man’s eyes. God gave him the wisdom he needed to come alongside me, and I wanted to be able to say “no” in truth when he asked me if I had been purging.
Later on, however, I went on to rebel against God and my husband, and as part of my disobedience, I moved towards more anorexic behavior. Bulimia had its own set of problems, but this really messed with my head, because it became a horribly vicious cycle: I wanted to justify myself, so I would barely eat, so I could be thinner, so I could be more acceptable, so I could justify myself. I thought I would be my own boss. The problem is that God can’t be fooled; we don’t have that kind of control. Malnutrition messes up the balance of our brain chemistry. I got thin, but I was clinically depressed and an emotional wreck. By the grace of God, a doctor put me on medication for my depression that brought my thinking back to a place of rationality, where I could discern God’s voice and become spiritually and physically healthy again through a recovery process that included counseling, intensive study of God’s word, and a return to proper nutrition.
My sister, eating disorders are a manifestation of something that is very wrong in our thinking. My struggles were about approval, control, and pride, to name a few. One thing you mentioned was the pressure you felt to be perfect in the eyes of others. Dearest, no one is perfect. If someone has that expectation of you, that’s not an accurate reflection of God’s love or your position in His kingdom. We are all sinners saved by GRACE. We can’t earn Christ’s righteousness, nor can it be taken away from us once we put our faith in Him (Eph. 2:8-9, II Cor. 5:21).
What you need to realize is that a mind bound with an eating disorder is not the mind of Christ, which is operative in you as a believer (I Cor. 2:16). It’s your flesh that’s trying to destroy you (Rom. 7:23, Gal. 5:17). The mind of Christ is love for yourself and for others, a mind full of hope and peace, submitted to God’s will in life. It is NOT God’s will that you harm yourself like this. His wants you to have a good hope and a future, living your life everyday in peace and security and joy (Jer. 29:11, Is. 26:3, John 15:11, 10:28-29). You will feel like there’s a wall in your relationship with God as long as you are going down this path, but He will never leave you alone. He will always continue to try and bring you back into the closeness of His very loving arms (Ps. 23:6). He is working in you to will and to do His good pleasure, and He won’t quit until you are with Him in eternity (Phil. 1:6, 2:13). It’s His plans that will stand, not ours (Prov. 16:9). He’s irresistible, and His love and mercy for you are unending (Ps. 118:1-4, Ps. 136).
As far as the others around you whom you don’t want to disappoint, I can promise you that as a Christian mom, I would much rather know the truth and be able to help my children if they were in trouble than to find out too late to do anything. Your parents are Christians. They have the same Spirit of God in them that you do. Maybe you need to believe the best about them in love, and reach out to them for help. If you really can’t do that, then I strongly recommend choosing a Christian leader, counselor, or mentor to confide in and give you the support and accountability you need. Depending on how long you have been suffering with this, you might need some medical intervention as well—another reason your parents need to know. Please don’t be afraid…God is and will continue to do something great and miraculous in your life, so that you will become “as a wonder to many” (Ps. 71:7). Sister, please start making the choices that will bring you life and Him glory…there is no more perfect way than God’s way (Deut. 30:19, Ps. 18:30).
One last thing: no more of this “screwup” name you are using! We want you to start seeing and referring to yourself with a name that reflects how God sees you, which is all that counts!! All of us counselors have a pseudonym that we feel represents our testimonies. We encourage you to choose one as well. Even if you’re not feeling it right now, do it in faith! God is working; believe it, receive it, and start speaking His truth over your life. This can be the beginning of your healing process, as you build your identity in Him. He loves you and so do we!!
Much love,
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