Beloved by Him
Hello, Iâm Aimee, also known as Beloved by Him. I chose this name for several reasons: Because my name means âbelovedâ, because my husband and I are each otherâs beloved, and because God works in and through me to bring the counsel of His word to other people–Heâs the real author of my work. But it took the first thirty years of my life for me to really surrender to God, and another six to finally put feet to my faith. Now Iâm 43, and I am still amazed at how faithful He is to love and bless me regardless of the mistakes in my past, present, or future. He knows everything about me, and loves me anyway!
Thatâs a real miracle, considering the person I used to be. I was emotionally scarred by my natural father, who abused drugs, alcohol, my mother, me, and other members of my family. After he and my mother divorced when I was six, I spent years going back and forth between two extremes: Living with my mother and stepfather, with very little money and under very strict rules and discipline, and visiting my father, who was loaded, both financially and with drugs and booze. When we were at his house, I was a parent to my brothers as he partied first with my stepmother, and once she left him because of the abuse, a line of women who took her place. By the time the court stepped in to order supervised visitation, the damage was done. The last time I spoke to my father, I was nineteen and pregnant, and I knew that he could never be around my child.
I had already been abusing alcohol and pot for years by that time. Much of my last two years of high school were spent partying, sneaking out, and fighting constantly with my parents. The day after I graduated, I moved out of my home and into a friendâs house, where they lived a drugging lifestyle. I spent the next several months living off my friends, until one day, I met the man who would become my husband and the father of my children. The Lord in His great grace pulled me out of where I was living, put me with this good man, and eventually brought us both to Himself–me as I recommitted my life (I had gotten saved when I was seven), and him for the first time. I had my second child at 20, a third at 24, and things improved, except that I never truly confessed to the Lord or shared with my husband many of my past sins, or that I was still consumed with the bulimia that had begun for me in middle school. Instead of those behaviors and mindsets just going away, they began to control my life, and by the time I was 30, I had thrown my marriage, and my life, away. After suffering a nervous breakdown, I had to truly repent and cry out to God to save me, and then choose to cling to Him and His plan for my life. The only other alternative was to let myself die. Praise Jesus, I chose life. I remember the night I was on my knees, in His presence, and said, âOk, God, Iâll do it your way.â It was the best decision I ever made.
Coming out of that dark time was not easy. I spent months in what I call my âharvest of horrorsâ, as years of denied behavior surfaced and had to be confessed and repented of. During that time, the Lord truly gave my husband âamazing graceâ and mercy for me, as he forgave me and allowed the Lord to redeem our marriage. In the years since, I have watched as God has made our marriage into something more special than I ever could have hoped to be a part of. Through Jesus Christ, we as a couple have âbecome as a wonder to manyâ (Ps. 71:7), and He continues to draw us closer to Him and to each other. We attended Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale, which was a great place for us, because of our different backgrounds (I was raised Presbyterian and then charismatic, and he is a Messianic Jew.) I also have a wonderful stepfather with an incredible testimony and an amazing walk with the Lord, and a huge extended family that I love dearly.
My life is blessed, but itâs not perfect. I had a second bout with depression, and I still struggle with anxiety. I am filled with the Word, but my flesh seems to revel in trying to make me ineffective by attacking me with doubt, shame, and fear. But I stand firmly on the Rock of my life, Jesus Christ. He is my salvation, my fortress, my strong tower, and His banner over me is love. I am still learning to believe and trust in that love, which âfor the joy set before Him, (He) endured the cross, despising the shameâ (Heb. 12:2), so that He could forgive my sins and spend eternity with me. There is nothing more I could ever ask for Him to do to prove to me that I am Beloved by Him.
âBut God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by Whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.â Galatians 6:14