Harbouring A Dark Secret
J writes…
Hi, I don’t know where to begin so I guess I’ll start from the beginning. I’m 16 years old and I have two amazing parents, who love the Lord, two sisters and a brother. I asked Jesus to come into my heart when I was 11. I am an active member of my church and youth group. I go to a Christian school and have some amazing friends, but I’ve been harbouring a dark secret and I can’t keep it inside of me any more: I watch lesbian porn, about once a week. I’m really scared because I don’t want to end up an addict.
All this started out small, at first, I would just watch Youtube videos here and there. But now I go to actual sites dedicated to porn. I feel so disgusting. You know… somewhere along the way my relationship with God just kinda fizzled out. I really want to get back to the way things were with my relationship with Him.
I know God forgives, but this is the first time that I truly feel like God can’t forgive me for this. How can I get back to a close relationship with Him? How do I stop? I’ve read some books that suggest that I tell someone to keep me accountable, but I don’t feel I can tell anyone about this. How do I deal with this mess I’ve gotten myself into? Will the fact that I watch porn affect my future marriage? Will any God fearing Christian guy ever want to marry me anyway? If I watch lesbian porn, does that mean I’m a lesbian or bisexual?
Thanks for answering my questions. I really appreciate it!
Hi J,
I’m answering for Treasure Box today, but it’s a God thing that you got me as your counselor. Please read my testimony and you will understand why I am saying this to you. We get a few questions per week from girls who are battling addiction to pornography. You are not alone. Let me add that these are Christian girls, who are for the most part are “virgins”. First, let me start by saying that you are very wise to turn to us for some help and it’s a good thing to ask yourself all of these questions. Pornography will affect your life negatively in every way. It’s a perversion from the truth. The good news is that by reaching out, it shows me that you have a true fear of the Lord.
The word says that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 1:7). This sin has separated you from your true love, which is Jesus Christ. And you should be afraid of missing out on this LOVE; the one true love (Isaiah 59:1-2). You need to surrender your heart to God again and every day anew, to allow the Holy Spirit to shine His light into your heart (soul). This will not feel good, at first. I understand that you feel ashamed, guilty, dirty, confused, and hopeless. This is where sin will lead you.
The definition of sin is to simply miss the mark. You are a Christian who has been bought with the blood of Jesus Christ. You want to be pleasing to Him, you want to live the life that He died for you to enjoy. You want to hear Him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” When you miss the mark, you miss out on life. When you get into the habit of missing it, missing it, missing it, and missing it…you become of all people most miserable. Because you know the truth and you don’t do it, live it or choose it. When you choose the world’s way, the easy way, the “if it feels good do it” way, “I’m only human” way, “it’s only natural” way, “at least I’m technically still a virgin” way…you do this long enough, and you will be like that person that is spoken of in James 1:23. It basically says that someone, who after studying her face in the mirror, and not doing what she knows to do, and only being a listener of the word, and not a doer of the word, externally religious, but their service is worthless and barren. It also says in the beginning of James 1 that this kind of person, who is double minded, put more bluntly two-faced, or a hypocrite, shouldn’t expect to receive anything that they ask. Unless you are full of faith, you are going to miss out on so much.
Addictions and sin rob you of living the kind of life, full of faith, that is empowered, supercharged and super-energized by the Holy Spirit. As you present your body as a living sacrifice, and say “yes” to God and “no” to the lusts of your flesh, you are devoting yourself to God. The word says that this is rational behavior for a Christian, (Romans 12:1 in amplified version). It is irrational for you, as a Christian, to watch porn. Make sense? It goes on to say in Romans 12:2 not to be like the world and to not fashion yourself after it, or to go with the world’s superficial customs, but to be transformed by entirely renewing your mind. You need your mind to be transformed or renewed by the BIBLE, DAILY, so that it fills your mind with Christ, and you become the new you. —
Life can seem like one big test. God isn’t testing you to try to find out what’s in you. He created you and He already knows what He put in you. It’s enough that He gave you, His Son, and that He put Christ in you. It’s actually more than enough. The test is given to you so that you will know who YOU are. This life will be a test of your faith. Will move from faith to faith, and from glory to glory. (Romans 1:17, 2 Corinthians 3:16-18)
See right now there is a “veil” across your eyes, so that you do not understand how powerful you could be in Christ. Pray for God to reveal Christ to you. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 “But whenever a person turns in repentance to the Lord, the veil is stripped off and taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (emancipation for bondage, freedom). And all of us, as with unveiled face, (because we) continued to behold (in the Word of God) as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord (Who is) the Spirit!!”
J, God is not worried about you; He is not mad at you. He is confident in the work of His Son Jesus. He is resting in the fact that the seed of Jesus Christ that has been planted in your heart at the young age of 11, will bring forth after its kind. You were made in the image and likeness of God the word says. This is an interesting thought, from Romans 9:29, where Paul says: “It is as Isaiah predicted, ‘If the Lord of hosts had not left us a seed from Abraham, which to propagate descendants, we would have fared like Sodom and have been made like Gomorrah”. (Do you remember this bible story in the OT?)
“Hmmm…what is the “super-sonic” seed? The Greek says “seed” is defined as the divine energy of the Holy Spirit operating within the soul by which we are regenerated, a grain or kernel which contains within itself the germ of the future plant. I want you to read the parable of the sower in Matthew 13:3-23, and find out what happened to your seeds (the truths that you learned in Christ over years). Did some of your seeds get eaten by birds, were they planted too shallow, were the burnt up by the sun, or did the thorns choke them out? Read what Jesus told the people. In the amplified version it says that the thorns are pleasure, delight, glamour, or deceitfulness of riches that suffocate the Word (seed) out.
This is interesting. The world’s point of view is so saturated with glamour and fame. Christianity is not a just a religion; it’s a lifestyle. You must live the life that Jesus died for you to have. Even if your seed is as small as a mustard seed, it’s more than enough. Matthew 17:20 Jesus said to them “Because of the littleness of your faith (that is, your lack of firmly relying trust). For truly I say to you, if you have faith (that is living) like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, move from here to yonder place, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.
Finally, I strongly recommend that you go on a “soul-food” diet. Don’t watch TV or use media for a week, or better yet try it for a month. This means no phone for a month either. Make special arrangements of another way for people that really need to get a hold of you can do so without calling you or texting. Whatever it is that you have been feeding your soul with, change it right away, it’s not helping you. (I do soul-food diets from time to time, too.) Cut out all media for a month. Try it. Make special arrangements to do your homework at the library. Give your computer to your parents for a month and tell them that you are “fasting from media” to refocus your attention on God, or whatever; tell them what you are struggling with. Be proactive. I’m surprised that they haven’t found out already, with the IP addresses, etc. Get accountability through your parent(s) and/or a trusted counselor or leader. Be careful with this though. Pray and ask God to lead you about getting support. Give your spirit a fighting chance to grow. Fight for your soul. (Philippians 2:12) No one else will do this for you. If you haven’t done so already, confess your sin to the Lord, receive forgiveness, forgive yourself and move on. Pray for more grace. Where sin is great, so will God’s grace be even greater!!! (Romans 5:20) Also, WeUsed2bu has many articles posted about this subject.
If you haven’t taken an opportunity yet, to go to:
http://www.weusedtobeyou.com/category/common-subjects/sexuality-common-subjects/
My testimony:
http://www.weusedtobeyou.com/2011/09/28/sweet-freedom-testifies/
Be free!! Sweet Freedom
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*The women of WeUsed2bu are a team of Christian counselors that provide godly counsel. If you or someone you know needs anonymous advice we are here to serve you. Seek Anonymous now
