I Come From A Divorced Home and I’m Scared To Get Married
E comments on the post ‘Dating Advice From My Daughter’…
Hi, I have a question. I come from a divorced home and Iām scared to get married one day because Iām scared something will go wrong and Iāll end up divorced. I pray every day to God not to let that happen, I despertly donāt want to be a statistic. Divorce has given me nothing but wounds that are still being nursed back to health. I heard that like about 50% of divorces happen to people who marry under the age of 24 or 25 , my parents are a part of this statistic; but what if I marry younger than that? What if God wants me to? I desperatley donāt want to be another statistic, and it would kill me to see my children have to suffer the same thing I did.
I know the pain of divorce sister. My parents divorced when I was young. They got together young and they were not Christians. I was just 17 years old when I first married. I was young and knew nothing about Jesus. My heart was full of rebellion and selfishness. I never understood the true commitment and covenant of marriage. We had a child together that still suffers today because we canāt seem to get along as her parents. I hate it :ā(Ā (Malachi 2:13-16, Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:3-9)
Divorce is devastating to both parties and to the children. Divorce is the unraveling of a family. It is so sad. All too often as married people we allow lifeās trials and circumstances to so overwhelm us that we focus more on our problems rather than on loving in the midst of the storms of life. We begin to find ourselves so hurt, angry, bitter, and unforgiving that we canāt have a healthy marriage. (Ephesians 4:31-32, Hebrews 12:15)
I am have been with my husband now for 14 years and it has not been easy. We married in our early twenties. We spent the last years growing and maturing as adults; thank God that God who started a good work in us will continue working in us until Christ Jesus returnsĀ (Philippians 1:6) We have experienced a lot of pain and dysfunction in our lives and we have had to learn and are still learning to allow God to heal us from those pains. We learn to support each other through good and bad times. Are there times where we have wanted to give up? Sadly yes, but we donāt. We choose to love. (Galatians 6:9, 1 Corinthians 13:1-7)
Thatās it sister, love is a choice. Itās an action we choose. We choose to forgive. We choose to believe the best in each other. We choose to be long suffering. We choose to pray and trust that God is working in our lives and working all things in our life for our good and for His glory. We know that God has a plan for our marriage so we press forward to fulfill that purpose. We donāt give up. We fight for our love. We fight for our family. (Romans 8:28-30, Genesis 50:20, Jeremiah 29:11, 1 Timothy 6:12)
You donāt have to be a statistic. You donāt have to have your kids go through what you went through. This is why you must choose wisely and prayerfully your future mate. Donāt just choose anyone. Choose a man that loves God, not a man that āsaysā he love God, but a man that you see in his life that he loves God. Check his spiritual fruit. See how he acts with his family, friends, and loved ones. See how he manages money. Does he serve others? Or is everything about him? Heās he giving or greedy? Is he a doer of the Word or just a hearer. These things matter sister. Anyone can āsayā they are a Christian, but actions will always speak louder than words. (James 1:22-23)
Everything that Carol and her daughter shared in the articleĀ is full of truth and wisdom. Donāt ignore their wise counsel.
Donāt allow fear to keep you from believing in love. Our Father knows what you need and want; He has a way of giving us both. In fact, He gives us better, because He truly knows what we need and evenĀ knows better than we do, what we really want.
Release the fear. Get counseling for the pain you experienced from your parents divorce. Then focus on renewing your mind on marriage and love. God will give you beauty for the pain you have experienced sweet sister. (Romans 12:2)
Stay on the narrow road.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. God blessed me with the example of married parents. Iām so sorry you didnāt have that blessing. But something I want to share with you is that even though my parents were married 60 years, every day was not a day romping hand-in-hand through life together.
Marriage is hard just as relationships are hard in general and life is hardāusually. My parentsā example of the difficulties in staying together is one thing that helped my husband and I focus on working things out.
Marriage is wonderful but it is also sometimes very hard. One of the reasons people advise not getting married so young is not just that you have more life experience but also because a few extra years helps steel you for the work it takes to develop and keep a strong marriage. But that doesnāt mean getting married young equals a failed marriage. Obviously your chances of success are increased or decreased based on the depth of commitment you both have for each other and the number of shared values.
Most importantly, it depends on how much Jesus is at the center of both of your lives. He is always the key component in any relationship, any situation, any personās life.
Sometimes God uses our pain. In fact, if we let Him, God ALWAYS uses our pain ā for our good and for the good of others and epecially to further His good purpose and plan. Perhaps, if you focus not on your parentsā failure and your resulting fear, but rather on their example of the work and depth of commitment it takes to have a successful relationship and the need to put Jesus at its center, then you can replace some of your fear with hope and courage.
Pray that God will show you how to use your parentsā example ā not as what is destined to be for your own life ā but on things to avoid and more importantlyāon keeping Jesus front and center to guide your relationships and marriage in Him.
I pray for you now: Heavenly Father, sometimes our hurts run so deeply in our hearts that weāre afraid even you canāt find and heal them. Please take our pain and turn it into strength. Turn examples of bad relationships into examples of how not to live; what not to do. Remind us that in all things you are with us and seek to guide us if only we will stretch out our hand and take yours. Thank you for who you are and your good purpose for our lives. Amen.