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Home » Answered by Beloved by Him, Hot Topics, Parents concerned for their children, Recent Questions & Answers

My 16-yr-old Daughter is Not Pure Anymore

Submitted by on March 6, 2009 – 9:07 pm8 Comments

pd_mom_talking_teen
Anonymous said…

How to handle finding out your 16 yr daughter is partly not pure anymore. I haven’t said anything to her yet. But My first reactin is to ground her and make her read verses all day. I’m so hurt by this
I’m having a hard time typin.
Please Help.

Beloved by Him said…

When a son or daughter sacrifices his or her purity, the loss is not just theirs, it’s also the parents’, particularly when it’s a Christian family that’s involved. A parent who walks with the Lord knows and understands more fully what a precious gift sexual purity is, and hopes that their child will guard and keep it for the person that God has chosen as the child’s future spouse. When that doesn’t happen, it’s totally normal for a parent to be angry, grief-stricken, worried, and disappointed (Prov.10:1, 17:25). This is when we have to cry out to Jesus for the help we need, for the child and for us. This is when we really learn about and lean on God’s love and faithfulness.

Make sure that before you confront your daughter, you have committed your spirit into the Lord’s hands. Get into the Word. Pray for the peace that passes understanding. Pour out your heart before Him. You need to do this now, and you’re going to have to do it many more times, because this is no quick-fix situation. Putting her in her room and having her copy Bible verses will not substitute for the loving relationship you can build with her, even if she fights and says she doesn’t want you or your rules. Determine like Paul did in Philippians 2: 17 that you are going to pour yourself out like a drink offering, so that the Lord can fill you and move in you by His Spirit. Pray especially for patience and longsuffering, which will be the ability to “bear up under” the pain and “put fury far off while suffering wrong”. And as difficult as it may be, purpose to be gentle when you talk to her. David said in Psalm 18:35 that “Your gentleness has made me great.” You need to reflect God’s face to her, not the flood of emotions that you are feeling. Ask God to give you the quiet and gentle spirit that is precious to Him (1 Peter 3: 4), and the right and fitting words to say (Prov. 25: 11). I know it may seem impossible! But remember, all things are possible with God (Matt. 19: 26).

You are going to have to find out from her, though it may be difficult for both of you, the extent of her actions. Was this a one-time event, or is she caught up in a cycle of bad behavior? Who else, if anyone, was involved? There are going to be some very uncomfortable moments, because, after all, this is a beloved child that we’re talking about. (Stop…breathe…pray) Don’t be surprised if what you already know is not all there is to know. Hopefully, she will be open to talking to you. Encourage her that the more honest she is, the more helpful it will be. Remind her that the Lord already knows, and has provided all the forgiveness she needs. Share Prov. 28: 13 with her, “Whoever covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” And you have to be prepared to give her mercy, too. Don’t turn her actions into shame or punish her unjustly. The Lord will show you how to discipline her so that it is profitable for her good (Hebrews 12: 10-11). When her confession is done, make sure that she knows you forgive her (Colossians 3:12-13), and that you will always love her, no matter what (Prov. 10:12, 1 Peter 4:8).

It is so important that even in this difficult time, you keep your eyes, heart, and hope set on Him. If you keep focusing on your daughter’s sin, you will become bitter, and will find it hard to resist the temptations to keep bringing it up, to stop believing the best about her, and possibly even to treat her with less respect. It’s very easy to allow unforgiveness to permeate our thoughts and actions, in the name of discipline or self-righteousness. Romans 3: 10 says, “There is none righteous, no, not one.” We know that we’re all sinners, but when it’s our child, we can incorrectly assume that their wrong actions mean that we’ve failed as a parent. If that were so, then God would be in the same boat, and of course He’s not. Your daughter made a wrong choice, and there will be consequences. Still, she is not her sin. If she is a Christian, then she is the righteousness of Christ (Phil. 3: 9), and God will use this for her good, because she is called to His purpose (Romans 8: 28), and He will be glorified in her. Choose to walk by faith, not by sight, and believe the best about her. Meditate on Scriptures that proclaim God’s promises for our descendants, such as Isaiah 54:13 and Prov. 22: 6. Most importantly, don’t give up. We are promised in Galatians 6:8-9 that if we don’t grow weary or lose heart, we will reap everlasting life. You are sowing seeds of God’s eternal love and faithfulness into this situation. Yes, you may sow in tears, but by God’s grace, you will reap in joy (Psalm 126: 5-6).

Beloved by Him

8 Comments »

  • admin says:

    Paris,

    Thanks for sharing :) You are right. The whole using the bible as a punishment is NOT wise at all! However ignoring our kids, or giving them silent treatment can really mess them up also. I know my daughter hates that. Her dad closes up when the teens have disrespected us and make terrible choices. My daughter really takes it to heart. I think the best thing to do is sit talk, sometimes spank (depending on the age), take away stuff, and ground them. These are the methods that have worked best for me. I am still learning. Parenting isn’t easy. I know..I have 7 kids (his, mines, and ours) It can be tough, but it is such a blessing. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective sister :)

  • paris says:

    tiny letter to parents out there:) <3 its kinda long but itll open you eyes O.O

    punishing your daughter/son
    with the word of God is actualy the worst idea ever…
    my dad did that when i was smaller (like 10-11 & 12)
    and it made me feel really dirty but i actually did nothing wrong…all i did was talk ,joke around and play sports with guys my age!!!
    Anyway he punished me by reading the BiBle….and going to church
    and as i grew older i HATED reading the bible and renouced being a christian….:(
    Wonder why??? :/
    because my parents used the bible as a punishment :O!!
    and a punishment leaves a bad feeling at the end
    :(
    kind of like when you spank yourkid …:p
    later he/she sees that belt and thinks \" if im bad ill get spanked with that belt!:o
    but parentsthink \"ill spank him/her as a punishment ..and im sure everything will be better:)\"

    Now as you can see theres two diffrent points of views here_
    1.the kid sees the belt as the bad thing
    2.the parents see it as the good thing
    so in other words
    your kid will ruun from that belt!!!
    and youll chase him/her…
    but at the end the belt is the bad one and theyll hate it
    ……
    now if you use the bible as a punishment (the belt)
    and you chase your child with the bible by telling them to read it because theyre being bad
    They -will-ruuuunnnnn !!!! and hate it!!! :(

    You see how theyll assume that the bible is the bad one?
    chasing them to hurt them?

    punishments hurt!!!
    and if you use the bible as a punishment
    in theyre minds
    theyll get hurt \"By it\"

    The Best way to punish your kid is to not speak to her/him she/he
    speaks to you just walk away…but then like the councelor
    \’beloved by him\’said …forgive her/him
    and tell her you love her/him
    this would hurt me terribly bad if i sinned and my parents knew it
    but if they told me they loved me i would think back and
    say\"trying that one-moretime is certaily not worth it\"
    nd confiscate something she/he loves
    …ground her/him
    ..but with love<333:)
    just never
    ever punish
    her/him by reading the bible please…
    it can make things wayyy worse
    and we want it to be better for the Glory of God
    and to keep you family united best wishes to all xoxo

  • admin says:

    Meaning she is not a virgin any more. Here’s is our category on Purity.

    http://www.weusedtobeyou.com/category/purity-month-on-weused2bu/

    Take some time out and read some of the articles. I hope they encourage and edify you :)

  • admin says:

    Hannah the last comment was not posted by a WeUsed2bu counselor. Yes the legal age to become an adult is 18 in most states. We were not in agreement with the last comment posted, but allowed the reader to share. Usually we do respond back.

  • Hannah says:

    What does she mean by not pure anymore?

  • Hannah says:

    I thought you Became an adult at 18 legally……..

  • Beloved by Him says:

    Dear Daniel,
    You are right–ultimately, each person is responsible for the decisions that they make before God. In addition, children are responsible to honor their parents, even if they do not agree with them. Parents also have to answer to the Lord for how they raise their children. So in other words, no one is exempt from their accountability. But as the ones with the God-given authority, parents must make every good effort to train up their children in the way that they should go. If a parent feels that a consequence is appropriate for a minor child, then they have the right to issue it as they see fit, as long as it is not harmful. In this case, the mom did not want to resort to such a tedious punishment, but wanted to find a way to reach out to her daughter without isolating her. But even if she had chosen to make her daughter copy the verses, it is not an unreasonable action; in fact, it may have implanted a word in her daughter’s spirit that could ultimately take root and grow into a positive conviction to choose God’s best plan for her life.

    Regardless of how old we are, we always need to consider not just whether something is lawful, but if it is helpful in our spiritual walk with the Lord. Losing our purity is never helpful, and can lead us in a direction that goes away from God. So because the mom wants the best for her daughter, she has an obligation to keep her from what can be harmful to her. As it says in I Corinthians 13, love always protects. Discipline isn’t supposed to be fun, or it wouldn’t benefit those who are trained by it (Heb. 12:11). Parents aren’t perfect, but it’s far better to try to correct a child than to leave them to their own destruction (Prov. 19:18). So if mom seems tough, we have to look at the reason for the reaction. This mom loves the Lord and her daughter, and hopefully that love will lead her to make the right decisions in her parenting.
    Thanks for your comment.

  • Daniel says:

    I can understand your upset, but you cannot punish a 16 year old like this, grounding them and forcing them to read verses. Even though she made a terrible mistake. It is hers and hers alone to make, punishing her is not going to sort the problem. And 16 being the age of consent, means its out of your hands, she is an adult now an makes her own decisions. If she wanted to remain pure (which i would have), then she would have. But she didnt and she made that choice, yes you can confront her, but punishing her, for a choice she decided to make, is up to her.

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