Born This Way: My Journey From Sexual immorality To Total Deliverance
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Home » Answered by Treasure Box, Baby mama/Baby daddy drama, Forgiving others/Forgive Yourself, Recent Questions & Answers

The Baby Mama Drama Has Only Intensified

Submitted by on September 22, 2010 – 10:00 amNo Comment

Clinging to Faith writes…

Good morning:

ifeelsoalone1I do not know where to start. I just got married in April 2010. My husband has a two-year old daughter. He has always been upfront with me. We actually went to school together, but went to different high schools and colleges. We got back together three years ago and he was honest with me and told me that he was expecting a child and that we could be just friends if I wanted. He would respect my wishes. We became friends at which time he told me that he never had a relationship with this young lady. It was just a fling. I knew the young lady from school as well. We never had any prior problems. When she found out we were friends she started calling him everytime we were together. Things got even worse when we decided to start a relationship. We became close and to this day, he is my best friend. The baby mama drama has only intensified. He has assured me that there was never anything between them, but she goes about talking about me to anyone who will listen about how I stole him from her and what a bad person I am. She even emails my friends about me. She use to text me constantly and then she would call me restricted all times of night and hang up. I have prayed for God to help me. I have discussed these things with him, but he seems like he just takes it because he does not want her to try and keep his daughter from seeing him, which she has tried before. She even pulled the little girl out of the wedding at the last minute because she said her mother got vision that I was trying to take over the child’s life. I feel so alone. Do I even matter? My heart aches when I see his daughter and she comes over. I love her, but I keep thinking about all the hurtful, hateful things her mother has done to me and continues to do. I cringe when he goes to pick his daughter up. On his days off, it’s like I go into guard mode because I know that he is going to pick his child up. She has told me repeatedly that her daughter does not need me, she does not care about me. And she tells anyone who will listen that I may be married to my husband, but she has him for life, and that she really knows what happened between the two of them. My husband was up front about everything when we got back together after high school and college and he insists that they never had a relationship or nothing like that. I wanna trust him, but I feel like I am alone. Like I am the odd man out. I have never done anything to this young lady. She spreads my name like wild fire. He has talked to her about it, but she just insists that it is my fault. Everyone is always talking about her rights as a mother, which I respect, but don’t I have rights as well. I am trying to be the bigger woman, but I honestly don’t know how much more I can take.

Clinging to Faith

Treasure Box replies…

Dear Clinging to Faith,

This one is a very difficult situation, my heart goes out to you!

There are some obvious boundaries that are not being drawn here. Let me break this up into different points. You have three relationships going on.

#1: Your HusbandThe first and most important relationship (after your relationship with God) is the one you have with your husband.

 

It is obvious that you love your husband very much and that you enjoy your time with him.

God tells us in Genesis 2:24 (Amplified Bible) Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

but-he-chose-youYou and your husband are to cleave unto one another. It is a relationship that is separate from the relationship you have with his daughter’s mother and the one you have with his daughter. The fact that he married you and not his daughter’s mother says a lot about who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Especially after courting you for so long. He could have very easily married her during that three year period, but he chose you! Not her! And that is why she is behaving the way she is – in a very unhealthy manner!

A man sees relationships very different than the way women do. I know a girl who says she had an intense relationship with her man for close to two years. His story is different however. He views it as a relationship for three months, and a meaningless fling for the rest. No emotional involvement. Your husband is most likely telling you the truth – he may never have been emotionally involved with her.

So, how do you work on this relationship with your husband? You can begin by trusting him. He loves his daughter and has to have some communication with her mother in order to not lose that important part of him. When he picks up his daughter, he is not going to see the mother. He is going to pick up his daughter. Continue to tell yourself that and do not let the enemy throw suspicions in your mind. And when he picks her up, he is coming home to you – his wife, best friend and lover.

To strengthen your relationship with him, go to some marriage seminars with him. Pick up the book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley. This book is excellent for keeping a marriage strong. It is so important that you separate your relationship with him from all the other issues.

#2: The Mother of His Daughter

That is all that she is. She seems like a very angry, broken and hurt young lady who feels the need to lash out because you have what she never had. Your husband. Remember, he chose you! She may say that she has him for life, but she doesn’t. She will have communication with him until their daughter is 18. She has communication but not a relationship. They are not best friends, they do not share any intimacy with each other, they are not emotionally involved.

On the other hand, you have all of him for the rest of your life. When his daughter turns 18, you still have him. Focus on those positives as you go through these years.

Your relationship with her should be one of love. Hard to do – believe me! I’ve had to do it myself. How do you love her? You try to see it from her viewpoint. You have what she doesn’t. She is hurt and acts out with vengeance. This is not God’s way.

Romans 12:19 (NIV) Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

Second, forgive her for these hurts. She is not emotionally healthy. Again, hard to do but most important for your spiritual health. Just say these words, “I forgive her for saying “…”, or doing “…” I sever that hurt and I release her from this action.” Remember, she is a hurt, lost and broken girl who is looking for relief in the wrong way. You may have to forgive her over and over again.

Matthew 18:21-23 (NLT) 21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” 22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

Third, pray for her. The power of prayer is amazing. It is a Supernatural weapon in this world. Pray for her salvation and for her healing. I have an ex-husband who is emotionally a mess and very destructive in his relationships – he has been like this all of his life. I have seen the power of God move in him and begin some tremendous healing through the power of prayer. He is losing some of these destructive behaviors. Praise God!

Luke 6:27-28 (NLT) “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.”

It is balm for your soul when you pray for those who hurt you, sister!

And as for her ugly emails to your friends and the stories she spreads, there is nothing that can be done about it. Especially since your husband has already spoken to her about it. Due to how unhealthy she is, she will not listen. But your friends know you and as time goes on, people are going to get tired of her complaining, negative attitude. As you stay positive, they will see the truth.

When someone approaches you about this mess, just say “We are praying for her” and leave it at that. People are going to start seeing you as a strong, healthy woman who walks with God.

#3: His Daughter

Again, this is a totally separate relationship. It is healthier for her if she is not lumped into this whole mess. At two, she naturally loves all around her who are in her life. She hasn’t yet learned to hate. When she comes over, play with her, read books to her, give her some of your time, and love her as your best friend’s flesh and blood. You love your husband, she belong to him. You are free to love her.

She is the innocent one who very well may have her mind poisoned in the future – so pray for her double hard! It is unfair for the innocent to be dragged into her mother’s drama. And God does not like this!

Luke 17:2 (NLT) It would be better to be thrown into the sea with a millstone hung around your neck than to cause one of these little ones to fall into sin.

As you continue to be loving towards this little girl, and she sees a healthy, loving relationship between you and your husband, she will see the truth herself. She will feel the love and the positive atmosphere in your home and contrast that with the negative at her mother’s house. Kids are smart – they know. She will naturally gravitate towards you and your husband. A warning though, she may fall for her mother’s words for awhile, but the truth always comes out and she will see each player for who they really are.

How do I know? My children had their minds poisoned against me by their father. I continued in love, prayerful forgiveness, and I NEVER spoke bad about their father. Within three years, they saw the truth and begged me to sue for custody. I did and I won.

So, to recap: Strengthen your relationship with your husband – make him number one and happy to be home with you.Forgive and pray for the mother of his daughter – that is all she is to him. To the best of your ability, ignore her talk about you and walk knowing that you belong to God. He knows the truth and you are His Beloved.And love and pray for the daughter – develop a relationship with her so that she has a refuge from the storm. Try to see her as a little capsized boat who is trying to find a strong moor to be tied to.

better1You have everything, dear sister! You have a husband who is your best friend, and you have little girl who needs a positive, loving role-model in her life. I know it’s rough and not fun to go through this, but as you walk with God, and continue to grow in Him, you will be the better person for it.

God bless you with His Wisdom and Understanding in all of this; and may He strengthen you with His Strength!

Philippians 4:13 (NLT) For I can do everything through Christ, Who gives me strength.

Sincerely,

Treasure Box

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