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Until now, I have never confessed my greatest secret to anyone. For more than 25 years, I firmly kept hidden the one thing about me that could change the …

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Home » Answered by Free In Christ, Break Ups, Letting Go/Moving On, Recent Questions & Answers, Suicide/ Despair/ Depression

Why Do I Keep Looking Back At My Past?

Submitted by on July 19, 2010 – 5:28 pmOne Comment

sad girlAnonymous writes…

Hi um I would rather not give my name ok. I really need help right now I am finding myself seriously considering suicide and its’ scaring me. Ok this is what happened. I was on Facebook, you know just adding people. And I added my ex. I thanked him for the add and we kept talking or what ever. Ok turns out the girl that he broke up with me for broke up with him on one of the most important days of his life. I’m 19 and he is 18 about to turn 19 soon. Well he apparently did not want to tell me that his girlfriend had broken up with him or what ever over IM. So he asked for my phone number and I know I should have said no or something but I did not do that. I gave it to him and we talked for a while about her and other things. Then something happened. He asked if I wanted to hang out and chill or what ever. So I did. I left home and went and hung out with him at this park. We caught up on things.  Then after that we went back to his place. He wanted me to come in but I figured it was too late so I said let’s stay in the car and we did. But through all the stuff he put me through during our realationship I still love him. But you know what I’m tired of this. He is not the same guy that I used to know. And this new guy I’m sure I care to know him. I want to be done with him but everytime I think I’m done he draws me back in more. It’s been almost two years since we broke up and just from the last reunion we had I nearly had an emotional break down. I’m still feeling it now I’m crying because of this. A whole year of my life got riped away on a guy who in my opioion never really loved or appreicated me. I was only with him for 5 hours and I’m an emotional wreck. And to put the topping on the cake he says he is a christian now or in his words he says he is a baptist. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep looking back at my past? He was my first boyfriend I ever had and I loved him so much. Please give me advice on what I should do please help.

Free in Christ replies…

Dear Sister:

I feel for you because I am reminded of times when I felt this way. I am so happy that you reached out because our emotions can work against us as keep us from attempting to get help. Though the help is probably not going to sooth your pain completely nonetheless getting godly advice and remaining in someone’s prayers will bring comfort to your heart.

Why is it that we as women would place ourselves at such emotional risk? Answers could vary greatly but I will choose the one that fits the reason why I did it. I am the product of a divorced home. I know this is almost the norm nowadays but it does not take away the consequences of it. Being that I had no father figure in my home I found myself vulnerable to the opposite sex to begin with. As I was placing myself in similar situations as you, I had no idea that it all stemed from a lack of self worth due to dad’s absence in my life.

In my attempt to fill the void I always looked to boys to validate my worth. I tried so hard to be the best friend & girlfriend they had ever met. I tried to be so good to the point that it would be crazy for them to walk away from me. Sad thing is that it happened and I was left so broken every tiem. The fact was that guys were never going to be able to satisfy this huge need I had anyways. Most of the times the need got worse.

I remember my first heart break. I identify with you in your pain and loneliness because I, too, felt like there was nothing worth living for. It was not until I met the Lord that I came to realize that the void my father had left since my early years could not be filled by anyone else but HIM.

When I came into the knowledge that my Heavenly Father thought I was worth sending His One and Only Son to free me from the penalty of my sin just because He chose to, it changed everything. The more I grew in my understanding of the love of God the more the boys, material things, school and everything else lost it’s grip on me.

bigstock_love_and_the_cross_meta-1I wish I was there to hug you and remind you personally that God loves you and has an amazing plan for your life that you will discover as you seek HIM diligently. (Jer 29:11-13) A plan that includes above all freedom from the demands of the world and those in it. (Jn 8:36)

I want to remind you that for every temptation that comes your way God will always show you a way out (1 Cor 10:13). It is important that at all times you remain focused on Christ who is your Savior not only from sin but also from committing the same mistakes over and over again. Through God’s Holy Spirit who lives in all the believers we are able to overcome our thoughts, feelings and actions that do not match what the Word says of those who are Christians.

Stay close to godly friends and ask them to hold you accountable for your actions. Request prayer from those you know belong to the Lord in order that you may stay away from people who are harmful for you.

As for the young man who is now calling himself a Christian I would say keep him in prayer and leave him in God’s hands. Take this time to draw close to the Lord and don’t allow anything or anyone to distract you.

By grace,

Free in Christ

One Comment »

  • Kaylee says:

    Anonymous, can you honestly say that what you are “feeling” and going through right now is love!!!? No guy would ever make the girl he loves feel this way. Since this is how this person is making you feel now… RUN!!! Run, and don’t look back… and know that Jesus knows what you’re going thru and will provide an answer!!!

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